#17 - Santiago Paredes: Never Be Afraid of Small Beginnings

Santiago Paredes: All right.

Chris Miller: That means you're officially live.

Santiago Paredes: That's good.

Chris Miller: Take two.

Santiago Paredes: You know what it reminds me of that he's like, you know, and they're all movies when they have like, scene, blah, blah, blah. Take two. He has a little the clappers. Is that what you're doing?

Chris Miller: Yeah, because if I clap, then the audience on the cameras and then the audio on the microphones, it'll show the clap. So I can sync everything. Uh, because the camera audio is going to be different than the microphone audio because I started at different times. But I'm going to use the microphone audio for the cameras because it sounds way better.

Santiago Paredes: Um, that's good. That's smart.

Chris Miller: Yeah. So that's one of the things I'm learning, right?

Santiago Paredes: That's a little sneak peek into what it takes to learn how to produce a podcast.

Chris Miller: Yes, it is.

Santiago Paredes: That's awesome.

Chris Miller: Learning all that stuff. Have you ever been thought about creating a podcast? Because I feel like you're good at talking to people and you have a story.

Santiago Paredes: Uh, I don't know if I've ever been thinking about creating a podcast, but, uh, at one point, uh, I was preaching a little bit. And when I would see myself online, I would take notes and things to improve and stuff like that.

Chris Miller: Yeah.

Santiago Paredes: So I would be like, hey, I got to slow down, speak clearly. I got to make sure I accentuate certain things and things like that. So it was a learning process.

Chris Miller: Did you like watching yourself back or did that feel cringey?

Santiago Paredes: It felt cringey because I think, uh, everybody is their own worst critic. For me too. For myself. When I saw myself, I was like, oh man, maybe I should wear something a little more loose. I don't know if I'm winning weight or the little things amplified when you see him yourself in you.

Chris Miller: Yeah, I agree. I was doing this for a group of kids and teaching them how to podcast. And one of the exercises is I have them record a podcast, all of them. And then I play it back. M. And the whole time, every time someone's about to come up, they hide in their hoodie or they put their head in their hands because they don't like their voice. And I always tell them, you have to get to a point to where you can at least tolerate your voice because you're going to have to listen back to it to edit. You're going to hear yourself and each person. There's studies, interesting studies on it. Uh, we could Google them, um, and pop them up over here. But people have a weird relationship to the sound of their own voice, which is funny. And the big thing is that all of this audio stuff manipulates our voice so it sounds differently than what you and I hear and what you're going to hear whenever it's playing back. And now that we're live in the studio, were you thinking about what to say on the podcast?

Santiago Paredes: Uh, well, I wasn't thinking about it, but, um, one thing that I, uh, told myself was just to be honest. To be honest and be as real as I can. Because I think that's what a lot of is missing right now in our lives is honesty and be real, mhm. Because everything is airbrushed and everything looks pretty, but it's not as real anymore, I think. I don't know.

Chris Miller: That authenticity.

Santiago Paredes: Yeah.

Chris Miller: So have you always been someone good at being authentic?

Santiago Paredes: Uh, no. I mean, I think it's with the maturity, you learn to accept your flaws and how life is, and then you change and you mature and you start to be more honest with yourself. Because I think when you're younger, you always try to present your best self so people can just look up to you and things like that.

Chris Miller: I catch myself doing that because we're both the babies. Yeah, I know. You said on your mom's side, you're the baby, and, um, then I have three older siblings and I'm the baby. And growing up, I could tell everybody was watching me grow up, which is cool because we get more caretakers. But a big part of that is also it's the last opportunity. Let's make it great. And I saw myself covering up my flaws for a long time. Even now, I have a hard time putting things all together and being real. Like, whenever I'm in church, sometimes I have a hard time people telling people I do a podcast, m, because I don't want it to seem like I'm just trying to get people to look at my podcast. And then whenever I'm talking to people outside of church about podcasting, sometimes I have a hard time telling them that I'm really involved in a church. It's funny the way that happens, because I've talked to a lot of people about certain things in life, and it being hard to present themselves fully. So I'm hoping at some point I will get better at that and then exemplify that. Because there is a need for that. Like you said, that need to present the authentic self. And that's the relatable process. Right. And that's what makes things so relatable. So you grew up in Ecuador?

Santiago Paredes: Yeah, I'm an Ecuadorian to the heart. I moved here when I was 15. I grew up. Main language was Spanish. I didn't speak any English when I came to the States.

Chris Miller: And you were 15 when you moved to the United States?

Santiago Paredes: Yeah, I was 15 when I moved to States.

Chris Miller: And what was that moment like when you learned you were going to move to the US?

Santiago Paredes: Well, we made a decision. It was a thought out decision. So my mom gave me the choice. She sat down and was like, look, you live with me for 15 years. Your dad wants to take you to live in the United States. And she was like, but you can stay with me. I'm not trying to make you feel like you have to go. I want you to make the choice where you want to go in life from right here. Do you want to go to, uh, the state, try to take advantage of all the opportunities that they're going to present themselves to you there, or you're going to try to grow here and try to take advantage of all the opportunities that could present themselves here? Mhm uh, and I told my mom, I was like, look, you've been putting up with me for 15 years. I think all the gray hairs that you have, I was like, probably like 90% of them are my fault. I was like, mom, you need a break from us. Uh, you need a break from not just from me and my brothers, but I was like, you need a break from me.

Chris Miller: Wow.

Santiago Paredes: I was like, you need to just try to focus. What? I told my mom it's funny because I was like, mom, go get a boyfriend. Go live your life. Do you take care of yourself? You don't have to worry about me no more.

Chris Miller: I feel like that's mature for a 15 year old to be thinking like that.

Santiago Paredes: But I just saw my mom that, uh, she went through so many things. My heart was for her to be able to live her own life.

Chris Miller: So you felt like a burden?

Santiago Paredes: I think I was a burden. I don't think I felt like one.

Chris Miller: I think I was. And you recognize that?

Santiago Paredes: I recognize it because well, I can recognize it now. Maybe back then, I didn't recognize it right now. It's like hindsight. I know the place where I was, and I recognize what I was. Uh, but when I was saying that, I just wanted to give my mom a break for me, that's it.

Chris Miller: Yeah. So what were you?

Santiago Paredes: I was a trouble, bro. I was trouble. I was a crazy kid. You know what I used to do sometimes when I used to get bored? I would climb up to the top of my house and jump off the roof wow. Just to see what it feels like.

Chris Miller: Did you get hurt?

Santiago Paredes: Uh, not bad.

Chris Miller: Yeah.

Santiago Paredes: I never broke surprisingly, never have ever broken a bone in my body. But I've gotten hurt.

Chris Miller: That's because when you were young, you were jumping off roofs. So your body really who knows?

Santiago Paredes: Maybe it's that water from Ecuador. I don't know.

Chris Miller: The water from Ecuador. So you're jumping off roofs, you were getting drunk at school.

Santiago Paredes: Oh, yeah, it was bad.

Chris Miller: You were exploring well beyond your neighborhood.

Santiago Paredes: Oh, yeah. Well, when I was a baby, I was born in a small it wasn't even close to being what they call in Spanish is Casario, which is multiple houses, which is called casa. It's just multiple houses close together. And that's like a little small town. Uh, so the condition there was really bad. My dad brought us there because it was m my dad's mom's house. They originally were married, and all my brothers were raised and born in beginning, part of the life was started in the capital in Quito. But there was a point in life where they said, we have to go back. My dad's drinking. My dad, um, wasn't providing as good. And the conditions got worse in Quito. And I think that's when m my dad cheated on my mom, had an extra kid. So on my mom's side, I have four with four on my dad's side. In Ecuador that we know is five now we found out we have between my older brother and my older sister, there was in between them. There's another one that we found out about recently. Years ago.

Chris Miller: Ten years ago.

Santiago Paredes: Wow. We all grown when that happened.

Chris Miller: How'd you find, uh, out?

Santiago Paredes: She looked for him because she knew who her dad was, but my dad didn't know that she existed.

Chris Miller: Oh, wow.

Santiago Paredes: Yeah.

Chris Miller: So then your dad told you.

Santiago Paredes: Uh, well, it's funny. Well, because it's embarrassing to talk about your dirty laundry like that, and anymore dad hears this, I hope he doesn't take it in a bad way. Uh, but she went to a TV show ecuador publicized in Latin America. Not just Ecuador. Is Sabalo. Higante. For anybody that knows Hispanic culture, they know what Sabalo Higante and Don Francisco is, which Don Francisco is a guy from Chile, South America, but he came over here to the States and has a show in Miami where it's like multiple things, like things that are games, you win money. Things that, uh, lost kids find out who their dad is and everything. So she called them and told them the situation. And my stepmom told my dad that he wasn't going to spend any money, send any money over there until they'll find out who, if she was legitimate his kid. Take your time. Uh, my stepmom was like, you're not going to take any money. It's like, you figure out we're not going to pay for any of it, because what you make right here is for me and your daughter. Because on my dad's second marriage, I got a younger sister, so she didn't see anything else, like, somebody that could help her. So she went to the TV show, and it was aired, and the doctor came out. And the DNA test of Mr. Miguel Perez and Rebecca Mirajo. The DNA results are 99.9% that he is the father.

Chris Miller: And I was like, wow, you are the father.

Santiago Paredes: Yeah, big time. He went through it.

Chris Miller: Were you watching that live?

Santiago Paredes: I was very embarrassed. And I was watching it live. No, live. But I watched it online because I was at work. I still have this video. Saved the faces and the reactions. It's so cringey to watch it. It's like, oh, that's my dad. Oh, my stepmom, my sister's. There too. I was like, oh, no, you grew.

Chris Miller: Up without a fatherly figure.

Santiago Paredes: Yeah.

Chris Miller: And that's hard because you can learn math and learn how to read and you were speaking Spanish, learning Spanish, but learning how to be really a young boy or a young man, it's not easy. So how did you learn how to be all that?

Santiago Paredes: Uh, it was trial and error, man. I don't think I ever took it seriously. And I think it's just so much baggage. From the very beginning we got sidetracked, but like I said, my mom lived in a little hut and their condition was so bad. Like I said, my dad got to a point where he was drinking so much that he was taking his, uh, money. Any little thing that my mom would making. And this is not something that I remember, it's something that I talked to my mom about it because I wanted to know the truth. And I was like, mom, what really happened? Why was it why do you felt like that? Because she told me that she wanted to abort me. And I was like, what was the condition that made you think that you needed to do that? And when I asked her, she was sad. And I was like, well, first of all, I don't want you to tell you this to make you because she didn't want to talk about it. It was just hard things that you want to talk about it. When I call her, she was like, I don't want to talk about it. Can we talk about something else? I was like, Mom, I'm not asking to because I want to dog on you. I just want to know because I want to appreciate where I'm at right now in life and where everything started. And when she started, she was going. She said that she was in such a bad condition. There was not a lot of money. He was drinking and spending it all and even taking it from her that my brothers and my sister, they were starving. It was just a bad condition. They didn't have any new clothes. And when she found out that I was pregnant, the first doll that she wanted was, I don't want M to have the kid mhm. It's like, I want to abort him because I don't want to bring another kid to suffer mhm. And when I talked to her, she was like, yeah, uh, my thought was that you will be better off in heaven than in this hell. That's the place where she was living at.

Chris Miller: Wow.

Santiago Paredes: It kind of like, made her have a sentiment towards me. Before we started the podcast, I said there was a little sentiment that my mom had that made her favor me over my brothers. And my brothers didn't like that. But it was that because she said that she was walking to find out more about how she could do it. But she couldn't even afford it.

Chris Miller: Wow.

Santiago Paredes: Because when she couldn't afford it, she said that thoughts of her just jumping off a bridge and just finishing it all ran through her mind that she'd rather just be done with all of it. And then some guy talked her out of it. She were like, don't do that. She's like you can't. So then my dad makes this decision that he wants to come to the States. And then, uh, my mom gets a little help from from my aunt or something like that. We had to live to one of my uncle's houses. So then we moved into the bigger town, which is Banya. It's considered a city, but it's only about 14,000 people. Um, and we moved in there. And then my dad leaves me. And then my mom is being bullied by my dad's family because she's a little darker. And there was a lot of, um, animosity saying that she was just a little Indian from the mountain and things like that. So she had to hear all of this from my dad's M side of the family. And then me and my brothers were finally in the city. That's when I started venturing outside of the city and was playing on the streets all the time. And I was always in the streets because my mom had to start working and she became the main provider. But with my dad out of the picture, there was nobody that was taking the money, beating her up and going drinking it away. So our situation slowly started to get better. And then my dad, of course, when he helped I don't know how much he helped. I want to believe that he helped a little bit.

Chris Miller: Do you remember any particularly warm moments? Moments that you look back on and smile?

Santiago Paredes: I don't know, man. I don't know if I like I i can smile at everything. Mhm, but uh, there's a lot of just baggage, man. Like a lot of traumas, a lot of fights. I would fight with everybody. I was an angry little kid, not growing up with no dad and knowing that he was just a strange person that would talk on the phone. And then my brothers, they thought I was being favored. So my mom's sentiment was she was so glad that she didn't abort me. And I turned out to be such a live, funny person, I guess. And that every time she saw me and then the joy that I was bringing to her, it made her more grateful that she didn't went through with it. Right. Uh, so she had this sentiment with me.

Chris Miller: It was a blessing.

Santiago Paredes: So she was always like hiding a little candy that will give me an extra piece of candy when she could. Or my brother saw that and they didn't like it. They would even bully me to the point where they're like, no, when it is bullying, I don't know, but it's my siblings, I don't know if, but they would like, put their thought and idea that I was adopted and I would hate that idea because this is my family. I was like, you're my brothers, you're my sister, I don't want you guys. They would make me cry and I would be like crying and just crying. And I couldn't even run to my mom because she'd be working. And then being on the streets, that's where I think a lot of the stuff that defined a lot of the years coming ahead, it was because when playing on the streets, we were exposed to a lot of people outside. And there was a guy that took me and then he molested me. He did certain things that shouldn't happen to a little five year old. And then the innocence that a little five year old kid had, it was taken from me. Uh, so now I grew up with different thoughts. My mind was different. I started to try to just fit in the feelings of not being wanted by my mom, the feelings of my dad being left out and all these other stuff. Now I got this also put in it. Mhm so like I say, I grew up very awkwardly. Social awkward. I would have preferred to be player play, climb on the roof of my house and jump by myself and play by myself and then play with other kids because it was something twisted in me.

Chris Miller: Yeah, so that happens to you when you're five years old.

Santiago Paredes: I was super young and then like I said, all the things happen because once that happened, something is broken in you. So you think that the world is different. You see the world with a twisted sense of what it should be. Mhm so I went to certain phases where I was confused. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't even have anybody to talk to about it. Because at one point I started to feel that I was dirty, that I didn't thought it was your fault, that it was my fault. M and then plus you had not been there. My mom feeling like my mom didn't want me and things like that. And it was a lot. So I started to drink when I was younger. Mhm everybody thought I was just but a lot of people at that time, I don't think my mom know at the time too, why I was doing it so much. And then my mom would fight with my older brother and then they wouldn't know. And I will say like, oh, I'm going to drink because my brother's not here. But in the back of my mind, I just wanted to drown those feelings of not being wanted, those feelings of being dirty, those feelings of having twisted thoughts in my mind because they were normal.

Chris Miller: Did the, uh, alcohol help?

Santiago Paredes: I think it made it worse because when I got drunk, those those feelings just made it worse.

Chris Miller: It got worse?

Santiago Paredes: Yeah. Wow. So I drink it more and it was just a fisher cycle.

Chris Miller: It was bad to a point to where you couldn't walk and all that stuff. So that's a lot of, like you said, psychological stress. Mhm and trying to figure out how to navigate that. It is.

Santiago Paredes: I'm only like 1012 years old. I haven't even made it to the States, which is more adding to it. It's crazy.

Chris Miller: You decide to go to the States and you show up in New York. Mhm tell me about that.

Santiago Paredes: Oh man, I landed in the JFK airport.

Chris Miller: What was that like?

Santiago Paredes: I didn't know any English. I just tried to follow the crowd of people. And at, uh, that point there was no cell phones or anything like that. Like that one. So there's an old guy, he speaks me with a thick accent, Spanish as best as he could. Of course I was like, okay, at least he stamps on paper. And we just keep walking. Like any airport, you just follow the little tunnel. Mhm and then at the end of the tunnel, I see my dad. But that wasn't the first time that I saw him. So my dad came to the United States illegally. All right? And then he get divorced from my mom. And then he gets in trouble with the law because of his drinking. Mhm so the law here, you got to go through probation, you got to do all these things. So he gets involved with AAA alcoholics Anonymous. So he changes. The change that needed to happen finally changes in him. So I don't want you guys to think that my dad is a bad person. He did the best that he could. We was presented to himself.

Chris Miller: There's the arc.

Santiago Paredes: And he has his own issues that he had to deal with. Like I had my own issues I had to deal with. And I no longer battle those demons. I conquered him. But I'm pretty sure that he had his own demons he needed to fight. So he meets it through AA. There's a lot of wing branches in it, all unknown support and families and things like that. And that's through that, that he meets my stepmom. And when she meets him, she is a resident of the United States. She's legally here. So once she becomes you are resident. Once you become a resident for a certain amount of time, you can apply for citizenship. When she becomes a citizen, she fixes the papers from my dad so he becomes a resident. And when that happens, they were able to ask my mom for the power of attorney over being minors, that she can give it to my dad. And that's how my papers go through. So I know I always joke about saying that I swim over here and all these other jokes that sometimes I joke about. But it was a straight flight for the record. For the record, I'm here legally, uh, for anybody that's on the boat. Uh, yeah, I'm legally here, and I came here, and then, uh, that's how my papers come through. So once my dad got the residency, he flew to Ecuador to me and my brothers, and we had the dramatic.

Chris Miller: That was your first time meeting my dad?

Santiago Paredes: Uh, first time I recall meeting my dad. Oh, of course, my older siblings, they knew who he was. They have some memories of him. But me, I remember in the airport, we went there, and he comes him with his daughter, uh, with no Emma, my youngest sister. And then my brothers and my dad, they all like, oh, dad, of course, in Spanish. Oh, Papa, papa this crying, and they break up in tears. Everybody's running to him. And I remember just having this feeling that I was just a stranger. Yeah, all my three brothers just launched themselves to him and hug him and crying and everything. And I'm this kid that's, like, in the back, just standing and be like, I don't want to hug that guy. I just barely know. I don't even know. And then my aunt, she's, like, pushing me, like, go hug him. He's your dad.

Chris Miller: Hug him.

Santiago Paredes: You know, like, you know, her aunts do it like, why are you acting like that? And I'm like, I don't know this guy. I was the only one standing back. Instead of taking steps forward towards him, I was stays back because he's a total stranger that I have no idea who he is. And then my aunt's pushing me. I finally threw pushes and shovings. I go and hug him, and I started crying because of my brothers. I remember the tears that were falling out. It was because I saw the sentiment that my brothers and my sister had, and that's what made me get in the sentimental feeling where like, okay, this is it. All right? This is the guy that left us when he was younger, and I met him. And then after that, I met him. He's, like, making promises that he's going to take us to the United States and things will be different. They're no longer going to be the same, that he's going to be present in our life. And we went to the counselor, and they were like, well, you can't take him. So this happens when I was, like, 13 years old, right? And he said that, uh, his income, in order for us to for people to come legally, you have to be able to prove that you make enough income to provide for them. To provide for them. And at that point, he didn't have enough income to provide for me, my older brother and my other older brother and me. My sister was not able to be part of that because she had a kid when she was super young. Uh, so the way they say is but we can help you. We can try to improve the situation so you can make this happen. It's like, we can allow your older brother son, and because he's 18, he can work in your household, live with you, and together as a household. You can make enough money to provide in the papers for me and my brother.

Chris Miller: Okay.

Santiago Paredes: So, uh, we had to stay back. So my older brother was the guy that was like the US. First yeah. That came to the United States. But in that time, now I'm losing the person I always looked up to. That's my older brother. I love my older brother. He's the guy that always helped me out. He's the guy that tried to do the best for us. He's the one that younger age. That's the guy that was trying to be the father figure for us.

Chris Miller: Mhm.

Santiago Paredes: Now you take him away. So now I'm dealing with all this more rejection.

Chris Miller: Do things get worse?

Santiago Paredes: For me? My drinking did got worse when he left mhm. At that point, my dad was like, I'm taking you with me. Just drop out of school. We drop out of school, they say no. So now I lose a year of school. And then when I go back to school, I'm on M. This person that just mad with the world, drinking, talking back, cutting school, not being there, all this other stuff. So I lose another year of school, and then the year after, once my brother came here, started working, now we put the papers again, and now it's finally time for me to leave.

Chris Miller: So it got approved.

Santiago Paredes: So it got approved after that.

Chris Miller: And then you start packing.

Santiago Paredes: And then I start packing and I'm like, well, I'll lose another year is cool. I'm still 25 by the time I was still in 7th grade, 15 years old, 7th grade, I never passed 8th grade. Wow. Uh, I was never been, never was in 8th grade, and never passed 8th grade. Wow. Don't, don't, don't say that to my teachers. In high school, did you go straight.

Chris Miller: To 9th grade or did you yeah.

Santiago Paredes: They dropped me, I came here. They looked at these transcripts. I think they were trying to make sense of what was going on with all the mess in it. And they were like, put, uh, them on 9th grade. Yeah.

Chris Miller: And you survived.

Santiago Paredes: And I made it. It's surprisingly enough, I made it. And I was an honor student on 9th grade.

Chris Miller: Were you really?

Santiago Paredes: Yes.

Chris Miller: But you had to learn English quickly, right?

Santiago Paredes: Yeah, and I didn't, uh, well, I did, I think, uh I don't know what the average to learn a new language is, but I learned it within about year and a half, two years, I was established a conversation, uh, with anybody.

Chris Miller: You moved from Ecuador, but then you're in New York.

Santiago Paredes: It was a culture shock. The food is different, everything's different. And in Ecuador. We don't look at people differently because of whatever. But here I got people as white, people, as black, people, as Asian, and all mixed up in one high school. High school. I think it was like about 1200 people in high school. Um, and 80% of them were black. And they were mean to us. They would try to get us in trouble all the time, really, because there was the majority of them, they really bullied us, and we got in trouble a lot of times.

Chris Miller: So did you continue to drink in the United States?

Santiago Paredes: Well, at this point, I can't in the United States. I don't speak the language, so I can't get away with some of the things I could have. I could sweet talk to somebody and doing something. So I got no friends. I, uh, can't communicate with anybody. So all I had to do is all I had was school. So I went from somebody that was barely making in school to here, where I was forced to be in school and do school. And then in the back of my mind is, I need to learn English, so I have to do school. And that's why I was in the honor roles in 9th grade and 10th grade.

Chris Miller: So when you think back about moving to the United States, is it a positive time?

Santiago Paredes: It was trying. It was a trying time, I think. So 15 finally got a girlfriend in Ecuador, and now I had to leave her. Now I have to leave somebody that I'm very dear to. She's my first girlfriend. I love her. Now I got to try the long distance relationship.

Chris Miller: Did you do long distance for a little bit?

Santiago Paredes: Oh, yeah, it was bad, bro. This is like talk about, uh, I'm already twisted as it is, hiding all these extra baggage, all the skeletons in my closet. Mhm. And then I come to here, and then my dad, he's doing what he's doing. He has to work. And he's like, well, you're here now. You got to help with the house. You got to get to work. And I started working months after I got here. I was already 15. Once I turned 16, I started to work right away.

Chris Miller: What were you doing?

Santiago Paredes: McDonald's. Uh, I didn't like McDonald's because there was a lot of Ecuadorian people there, and they were pricks to your own people. So forget you guys. I'll go to Wendy's. And Wendy's were like American people. They were, like, treating me nicer than my own people. So you were making frosties making frosties in the weekends and then going to school and all that.

Chris Miller: Were you working drive through?

Santiago Paredes: Uh, I didn't work drive through because my English was horrible.

Chris Miller: Yeah, right.

Santiago Paredes: I couldn't even be in the register. They stuck me in the bag and flipping burgers or the fryer. Wendy's used to have the salad bar. I don't know if they still do. I don't think they don't no more. They don't. Um, so those salad bars, they were actually fresh in the mornings, early in the mornings. On Saturdays, I had to go, like, six in the morning and start chopping all the veggies, all the tomatoes, and chop them up. The basalaba was my thing on Saturdays for Wendy's. I didn't speak any English. But you can cut some veggies, huh. Set it all out and make sure that you keep it clean. That's it.

Chris Miller: You could make a good salad.

Santiago Paredes: I don't know about I presented it uh huh. With the ingredients. Uh huh. I don't know about making it.

Chris Miller: So when do you start processing all this baggage?

Santiago Paredes: Oh, man. Well, long distance relationship. So all the money that I started making it is just to call my girlfriend and eclipse. Really? Oh, it gets better. Watch. Uh, so it's my girlfriend, and I love her. With all these feelings of abandonment and all this other stuff, I get really attached to her. She's like my first love. Because of my skeletons, I never became physical with anybody. And I could have I could have been like, hey, I'm about to live. Yeah.

Chris Miller: I'm about to leave the country.

Santiago Paredes: About to leave the country.

Chris Miller: Um, let's seal this deal.

Santiago Paredes: Let's do it. And I know it sounds horrible, but.

Chris Miller: That'S how you're old.

Santiago Paredes: Yeah, but not me. I'm like, I don't want you any clothes to even get to that point because you feared physicality, feel physicality. I can make out with a girl. Uh huh. But once everything else started, I was like, uh, I got to go.

Chris Miller: Can't do it. Because you had baggage from being sexually violated that you did not want to be sexual with anybody because you associated.

Santiago Paredes: It with that negative experience. Yeah. So then we started the long distance relationship, and then her dad lived in Spain, so she moved to Spain. And I'm like, oh, great. Now even if I go back to Ecuador, I can see you.

Chris Miller: So you went back the next year, long distance from United States and Spain?

Santiago Paredes: Well, uh, the next year I went back to Ecuador. I saw her for the last time, and when I came a month after that, she moved to Spain. And then we started the long distance with Spain. And I'm miserable. I'm just miserable. Broken hearted, missing my country. Don't speak the language, and I don't want to get any start with any girls in here. We had girls in school. There was girls that were, like, aggressive, and they will come to me and be like, hey, I think you're really cute. You should come out with me. And I was like, I don't want to. You're off the market. I'm, um off the market. I got my girl in Spain.

Chris Miller: Everything's good. This guy from Ecuador has this girl in Spain, right?

Santiago Paredes: Yeah. That sounds comical, but it was the reality of it. And then, um, I was miserable. I hate it. I don't recommend a long distance relationship if it's going to be long distance for over a year. It's like, I don't know people that does it. My hats off to him. But I was miserable. It was just miserable because I wanted her to be next to me. And I can all I can do is talk to her on the phone. So my thought process is, you're just as miserable as I am. Let's just take a break. That's what I told her. I was like, look, uh, I'm a caring person, and if I know how you feel, I want to be able to lessen that. I got good intentions by telling her, let's take a break. Let's concentrate on ourselves because we're both away from our countries and it's hard. And, uh, if it's hard as you, as it's hard as me, let's take a little break. And in my mind, it's like, just take a little break from each other to focus on ourselves. But we continue to talk because I'm such an important person in her life and she is to me that we continue to talk. And on Christmas Day, the day before Christmas, it was traditional at that point. I will get on the phone, call mom, and then I call her and I'm like, hey, I just called her to send me a Christmas. She's like, stop. I was like, what's going on? She's like, I'm pregnant. I'm getting married tomorrow. I'm like what? Hold up. For real? She's like, yeah. I was like, uh, my brother buses in at the door and I'm like he's like, what's wrong? It's like, you can talk to her. I just walked off. I'm just storm out. I go to the basement and I just start crying. My feelings is just heartbroken, heartbroken. And I'm just like crying. And then my brother comes and tells me that, uh, she told him what happened. And then she's like, wow. So now I get this anger towards her. And I'm like, I don't know. I just started to see girls at a point like they were just heartless. And I started being mean to them. Mhm. And I found well, at least that was something that pushed me to actually start talking to other girls in high school. At least I was disappointed in my first experience with a girlfriend. And still, physically I wasn't able to open up with anybody yet. Mhm. So when did you start processing? In my senior year. So I lost a year. So I only graduated when I was 18. I graduated when I was 19. My senior year, I finally have a girlfriend. We started talking, we started getting physical. So I just locked everything at this point. I take my closet, i, uh, close it, I lock the key and I.

Chris Miller: Just pretend it never happened. All the skeletons in there, you're making sure they never come.

Santiago Paredes: Out ever again. I go in with my girl, I have a car because I've been working the whole time I've been here. Wendy's money. Well, at that point, I switched it. So I got tired of the Friars and smelling like grease all day. So I went to a sporting goods store. Nice. Uh, and this sporting goods store, it was called Models, which is like a dicks. Uh huh. But it's like in New York, they sell more Yankees gear and meds and stuff like that. And I got my own car. I cut school, take her out. We go to the park, and on lunchtime, there's nobody home. I bring it to my house. One thing led to another. At this point, I already know that I'm going to go to the Air Force after high school. And one of the first things that I, uh, recruit is, like, don't get nobody pregnant and don't get married. You want to go to the school, you want the Air Force to help? It's like, don't do and don't get in trouble with the law. Don't get in trouble with the law.

Chris Miller: Nobody pregnant.

Santiago Paredes: Don't get married. Don't get married. Because then you got to renew the contract. At this point, I've already made my contract. I already signed it and everything, um, because school was escape from home. So I did good at school. And at home, we got my brother that doesn't get along with my dad. My dad is trying to tell us what to do. And I'm not comfortable at home. So I help as much as I can at school, at, uh, home, because I was taking care of my little sister, taking from the daycare and things like that. And I try to just not to get in trouble, not to cause any more friction than already at home, because there's already a lot of friction. With my older brother, Darren, he just struggled a lot more than me. He was more emotional. And all these things that I went through, he kind of went through them the same thing. A lot of them. It happened to both of us. So he has all these things, and he's expressing him in a different way. Instead of being angry, he's bursting out, having fights with my dad, and things are getting hit. It my dad sometimes made a face and he was about to hit him, and he got pretty serious. So my stay at home is not good. So I concentrate in school and concentrating on school. Um, my thinking is, like, I got to get out of here. I got to get out. I can't do this. I got to get out. I got to get out home. I got to try to make my own life and try to have a normal life. I'm tired of fighting. I don't like fighting. I don't like especially people that's close to me seeing my dad. And of course, at this point, I'm trying to learn and create a relationship with my dad. But when they're fighting, I can't do that. And all this in my mind. So on 10th grade, I went to my counselor and was like, how can I do it? So I can just go somewhere and be living by myself and be able to comfortable make it on my own. And she's like, well, you can continue to be in school and you can try to get a scholarship from college and go to college. And I'm like, I don't want to go to school no more. I'm like, High school is enough for me. Then she said, well, you can join the military. I'm like, all right, sign me up. On 10th grade, I took my Aspir test and by 11th grade, I had the Navy, the army, and the Air Force calling me to see if I enlist with them. So by the end of 11th grade, right before 11th grade, I decided to go with the Air Force and I resigned my contract. And this is 911. 11th grade. At the end of it, right after 11th grade, when I start my senior year is 911 happened. I'm graduating that year and I already have my contract signed with the Air Force. At this point is when my parent and my stepmom and my dad and my brother, the alarms goes off and they're like, do you sure you want to do it now? Right? Because we about to go to war. And I'm like, Well, I already signed.

Chris Miller: The contract is over. So you signed a contract to the military. Boom, 911 happens. You have the US president saying there's.

Santiago Paredes: Going to be a war. Oh, yeah.

Chris Miller: And I'm m in the military now.

Santiago Paredes: Wow, so you graduate high school. So before that. So now I'm with my girlfriend. That's right.

Chris Miller: She gets pregnant, bro.

Santiago Paredes: That's right.

Chris Miller: So she gets pregnant. So you did one of the three.

Santiago Paredes: Things that I shouldn't have done. And I remember she started to freak out. She's such a weak girl. She's a good friend of mine to this day. And she's like, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. It's like, I got the Air Force going on. I don't know what's going on. And I'm like, but I will support in the back of my mind, I'm like, I want to run. I can't do this. My life is about to crumble out. I haven't even started the Air Force and I'm m already going to get kicked out. That's in the back of my mind. So physically, I tell her, I let you make the choice. I'm like, you make the choice. See what you want to do. And she aborts a kid. And it's another thing that I'm like, what if, you know, you always live in the what ifs, mhm, what if the kid would have.

Chris Miller: Been.

Santiago Paredes: Alive now? Mhm yeah, I mean, I'm one of those kids that that didn't, you know, that didn't get aborted because my mom wanted to do that. And at this point, she she has to go through it, and I have to go through it. And that's one of the things that I think the hardest things to forgive myself, is making that decision, not being able to provide more support. Um, it was hard. It wasn't hard at the time because I'm young. I'm just being selfish. But as the years went by, I quit talking to her. I did go back and reach it out, and we sold out to our issues and our feelings, and I expressed them, and she expressed them, and we were able to forgive each other. And I think that helped me a lot. But at that point, I'm just as bad as that. My dad, I never want to be like him, but I'm making so many mistakes, so many errors. That another thing I got to stuff in my closet this time.

Chris Miller: Point my closet is full.

Santiago Paredes: You're running out of room. I'm running out of room. Bro and I got in the military. I left home and never went back. Never went back to New York just to visit.

Chris Miller: Wow.

Santiago Paredes: Yeah.

Chris Miller: So you go to boot camp, not make it through, and you have all this in your head. And then you get your first assignment, you get your first job. And I imagine you have some skeletons in your closet like you said, but you're not taking any time to go.

Santiago Paredes: In there and remove them. Oh, no. Bro at one point, they're going to come out, and they came out. I'm able to speak to them because I've dealt with them, I made peace with them. My faith has helped me, but that's what I got involved with. Drugs and drinking because of that. Think a lot of my first marriage, I've been married, married twice, just like my dad. Married twice. The first one, I think, was one of the reasons, because of that, because I didn't deal with them, and I.

Chris Miller: Just wanted a way out.

Santiago Paredes: What forces you to deal with them? Um, so I'm still drinking. I'm doing all these things. I'm doing bad things. Um, at this point, everything increased when I deal with them is after my first divorce. My first marriage fails, and at this point, I'm feeling like a failure. Like, when I when I got out of the Air Force, I was like, I want to be married. My my thought process was, I'm gonna get married by 25, but 26, I want to have my first kid. I got married by 25, but 26. I have my first kid naturally, because my first wife, she had three kids from her previous marriage, because she has her own story, which is beautiful, too, but she had to deal with her own things. But she has three kids, and she's only my age, just about a year older than me, but she has three kids. Her first kid is when I think when she was, like, 1314. I fall in love with the kids because when I met the kids, I saw myself in them, vulnerable. Mama was at work, and they have a dad that's not present in their life. So I fell in love with the kids. To this day, I love them. They're my kids. To this day, uh, they call me that. The only father figure that known as me. I wasn't the best father at that time because I had my own issues, but, uh, I stick around because of them. And we made our relationship with focus on them, providing for them, giving them a better future that we neglected where we were at. And then my son born, Ethan, and then things are going bad. Every other year. Every year is like, we are getting a fight, and I just want to go. I just want to go somewhere. But now I'm tied up because I got kids, so I couldn't so the thought of being divorced, like, I don't want that in my I got so much in me that I don't want something else to add up to the list, so I just try to make it work. Always go back. I stick with her again and again. She gets pregnant again with my youngest daughter. But at least things are bad. I'm starting to get angry. All these things are starting to come up. It's starting to reflect in my character. Uh, you know me, I'm a caring person. I like to always try to focus on the positive side of things. But at this point, I'm always on edge. I'm always yelling, I'm always screaming. Uh, one day, I grab my oldest kid, I grabbed by the neck, I push him m against the wall, put a hole in the wall. And I'm just realize how angry I'm I'm angry at everything, and it's not their fault. So my thought process is, step back. Don't be absent from their lives, but step back. The pressure of providing for five kids at this point, we just had built a house and everything, and I started just crumbling. Everything just started. All the anger, all the disappointment, all the unwanted, all these feelings started to pop up. And I'm just an angry person. So I started drinking again, and I said, like, I can't do it no more. So I walk out. And then when I walk out, it was like, starting all over again. I said, look at keep the cars, keep the house, keep everything. I just grabbed my blanket and my.

Chris Miller: Clothes in my back, and I just walk out.

Santiago Paredes: Where do you go, friends? Um, house at that point. And as I was living with $200 a week until the borders are settled and everything, and amateurs drinking, drinking my troubles away, living on energy drinks and alcohol, every time I was drinking, I started to deal with all these feelings come up, and it was bad. And then I couldn't see my kids. Because I can't blame her. She's a good woman, and she was hurt. She didn't want to get divorced. And now she has five kids and then a broken marriage. And financially, things started to crumble because she can't do it by herself. And the kids are suffering. So I couldn't see the kids. She was angry. I can't blame her. And so she wouldn't let me see the kids. I couldn't see my son, I couldn't see my daughter, anybody. And it started to affect me more and affect me more. And then, uh, my health started to get worse. I know the question was, when do I face with this? And I still have the question in my mind. Yeah, right. I just don't want to keep talking and then think that we forgot about the question. But all these things matters because everything of this is affecting the decisions I start making later. So something happened to me, uh, health wise. My appendix had got clogged up. Okay. And I had a pain in my stomach. I just ignored it, pop up a few pills, got drunk, didn't feel it, keep on going. So my appendix had clogged up and it got infected. So it didn't burst it, but it did got clogged up, and it basically died. And it started to spread infection. By the time they got me in the hospital, the doctor said, like, how do you not feel any pain? Congrinya started to set in it. How do you just live with pain? But pain at that point, that physical pain on top of the psychological pain.

Chris Miller: That I had, I was accustomed to it.

Santiago Paredes: You were numb. Um, so I didn't really care. I was just business as usual, didn't see my kids. And then I remember how I even I think at this point, I'm ignoring everything. And I'm not taking care of myself because I don't just don't care. It was my ex wife that came in, and she forced me to go to the hospital because throughout our marriage, I think it kind of affected too. I always work second shift so I can take care of the kids while she was in first shift and working. So when I came home at night, she will drop off the kids in the morning. At this point, when we separated, she will drop them off so I can take them to school. And she'll go to work. When she gets off work, I'll go to work. So she takes care of the kids. So now this is our relationship. So in the morning, she comes in to drop off my daughter, my baby. And I'm barely walking. She's like, what's wrong with you? I'm like, I just got this pain. I think I ate something bad. I don't know. And I just kind of like, just lean over the couch. And I, uh, shaking. And I was like she's like, you need to go to doctor. And I'm like, I'll be all right. Just leave Jasmine here. I'll be all right. And she's like, no, you go to doctor. And then when she texts me to doctor, doctor makes a couple of tests. And she's like, we got to surgery tonight. And when they say surgery, I'm trying to run out of the clinic. I'm like, no, nobody cutting me up. Get out of here. But I needed it. So then they got surgery. And after that, I slowed down a little bit. But I was still doing drugs. I was still doing alcohol and everything. And the weekends I have my kids started to have my kids every other weekend. The weekends I don't have them is my chance to just act out. And then one day I think this is the turning point where I finally had to start making the slap in the face for some people said, like, rock bottom, where, you know, it's bad is I was taking my my son eat and he he was going to school and I was dropping off his school. And he had a sad face. Uh, when he was young, he's always energetic. He's always cocking joke. He's always smiling. He always has a good attitude. And I seem like he's super sad. I'm like, what's wrong with you, kid? He's like, dad, I'm just sad. I'm like, well, why are you sad? He's like, because if you would have died, that would have made me really sad. He didn't say in an eloquent way, you would hit me really hard. That's it. And so when I drop him off, in my mind, I'm like, how bad are you? How horrible are you carrying your life? Yeah, you fell. But how is it that now you shaping you impacting the very kids that you say you love? You love kids. You say you you see yourself in in them and, and but they're affected by it right now. That's the point. That, uh, that because of you not taking care of yourself that he has to have the thought in his mind that he could have lived without me, without a father. And then what would I achieve for you, my kid? Mhm. And that's when I was like, I can't do it. I can't do it. I had to stop. I had to stop. So I cried myself back to church. And when I did that, I was like, pastor, I'm coming back to church. I'm going to stay in church. But, uh, you got to give me a few weeks because I got to go turn myself in from, uh, being in trouble legally. Mhm? And I have to be in house.

Chris Miller: Arrest for a little bit.

Santiago Paredes: So you had some things to take care of. I needed to take care of some things legally. Because all these issues, if you live life in a reckless way and you don't think that legalistically, something's not going to happen. It's going to happen. You can ignore them like, I tried, but when it's time to come back, you have to deal with all of them. You have to have the courage to deal with them. So I had to tell my pastor, like, look, I'm not being in house arrest. I might have an ankle bracelet for, like, three months I was in it. And I remember it was so sad. It was so shameful, too, because my kids had to come in and they had to see it in my ankle, and I had to sleep with it. So I got to charge it and I got to go to work where pants started to cover him. But it's so sad. At least he's like, you make sure you come back. I'm, um, come back. I'm going to be a church. Don't worry about it. Just know I'm not going away because, um, I'm backsliding. I'm going away because legalistic, I have to take care of this. And the change started to happen slowly. The first thing I did, I quit drinking energy drinks because they were affecting my health to a certain point. They purposely give you energy, but your body sometimes is not designed to have that much energy. It's a drug. Yeah. So I quit that. And then I quit smoking because I used to smoke too. And then I started slowly quitting drinking and slowed my drinking and everything and everything. And I started to change. I started to be more involved in church, and I started to pray about it. I didn't talk to m many people about it, but I started to I remember one time, the pastor was like, put all your prayers, put it in this box. Because God says, cast all your cares, all your troubles, cast them to me, and I'll take care of them. And I wrote him down in the paper, and I started writing down in the paper, and I put him in a little box that he put it every week. I'm going to have this box here. And it's like, uh, what you tell God is between you and you. But I want you to write it down and put it in this box and start writing them down. And I started to put him in the box. And I started to me, uh, some churches make alto cores. And I was the one the altar call, crying my eyes out, being God. How can I being so bad? How can I help me find forgiveness, to forgive the people that have done me wrong? Because I finally had to start making those choices where I had to start forgiving not for them, but because of me, because it's hard to forgive. How are you going to forgive? Because I started to talk to people and friends when I was drunk. I would tell them, this happened to me when I was younger, dude. And I was like, I just want to go fly to Ecuador. Kill that guy killed up the people and they just come Back, mhm. I was so angry that I was planning the revenge. Revenge. Mhm. Anybody would tell you a rapist, somebody that molested kids, they deserve death. That's what a lot of people say. Mhm. And that was my mind was and I needed to find forgiveness. Because for me, wishing that it was already making me more angry. How can I wish revenge when the guy says, Revenge is mine?

Chris Miller: That's not my place to judge. What do you think about anger and harboring anger?

Santiago Paredes: It's like a little worm that is inside an apple. You don't know it's in there and it's eating everything out. But from the outside, the apple looks.

Chris Miller: Like it's really good. And I've heard you also have a good phrase about, uh, it being a Lego.

Santiago Paredes: Oh, I tell you about the Lego. Yeah. I'm already in my right mind. I'm progressing, I'm moving forward, doing better with myself. And, um, I told my kids they hated the move. We just moved Seven months ago, and they want to be with their kids and their friends and all that. And it's hard. Moving is hard. Um, but they started to struggle with some of the other things. Because my step kid I'm not her dad, but she got her own issues, her own things that she needed to deal with. And she remember she started to remember things that she saw when she Was younger and things like that. And she started to have anger and stuff like that. And I've seen that. I recognize that because I know her. I know it, I recognize it. I've been there and I know it. And I was like, you have to let things go. And she was like, no, I don't want to. I don't want to forgive him. I don't Want to do it. And I was like, all right. And I started praying about it. I was like, man, how can you teach that to a kid? How can you teach a kid how to let go? Letting go as an adult is hard, but how can you explain that to a kid and put it in worse to a kid? So my son is dealing with that stuff, too. I got my son and my step kid with me. Yeah, they're good kids. I'm really glad I sat him down on the table because sometimes when I get in trouble, it's like, we go to the table, we got to talk about it. We're not going to go sleep on it, we got to talk about it. So I was thinking so in the morning, I text my wife. I'm like, Babe, I need something because I got something to explain the kids, but I need something. She's like what you need. I was like, I need a bowl that has something, like spines on it that will be squishing, they'll poke you. And she's like, Well, I look around I was like, I don't know if I'll find anything. And the day goes by, I never hear from by her. And I was like, hey, but do you check that? Do you go to Walmart? Do you look, see if there's anything? I was like, I got nothing. I was busy. I don't know what you want. I don't know what you're going to do, but I don't have anything. And I was like, all right. So I'm thinking I was like, what else? What else? What else? I need something that they can squeeze that it will hurt if they squeeze it. And there's always jokes about that. It hurts to step on a Lego. And I'm like a Lego. I'm like a Lego. That's perfect. I need a Lego. We got tons of Legos all over the floor. Not just kidding, we got Legos. I got kids. None of the floor. That would be bad. But I got Legos. So I went in and I tried to grab one that will fit in your hand. They went with the eight little things, little buttons, whatever. So I grabbed and set them down. I was like, Here, grab a Lego. And I got a couple more Legos in the middle of the table. And I grab a Lego and say, I want you to hold in your hand. I want you to squeeze it as hard as you can. And they were like, okay. I'm like, all right, I want you to squeeze it and squeeze it as hard as you can for the longer you can. So I start squeezing it and I can see in their faces start to hurt. And I can see also that their attitude is don't show weakness because that's what you're strong. You put up front, you show us your strength. So my step kids, she's like, no, you don't hurt. Like, squeeze it harder than you don't hurt. Like squeeze it harder. Then if you don't hurt, give it time because the longer you keep it, you know it's hurting. I can tell in your eyes that it hurts. I can tell in your expression that it hurts. But my intention wasn't to hurt him. So don't, don't, you know, so and then and they're like, all right. Now, while you're still squeezing it, I said, I want you to do something with a Lego. Build something. Because Legos are to build like build something. There's Legos in the middle. Try to put it together. And they're like, I can't. And I'm like, all right, okay. If you can, then try to pick another Lego so you can put it together in your hand or something. Try to pick another Lego with your hand, but without letting it go. Mhm so they can't pick it up because their hands is a fist. Without undoing the fist. We try to pick another Lego. It's like, I can't. I'm like, all right, Lego, go. It's like, all right. It's like, this is the hurt that you guys try to harbor their own forgiveness. The things that you don't want to let go but they still hurt you. This is the Lego right there. The uh longer you squeeze it, the longer you keep it, the longer it hurts. Imagine it could be people, it could be relationships. Uh, so if you have a relationship that's hurting you, then the longer you squeeze it, it hurts. And the longer you squeeze, it hurts. And I guess one other thing is remember how you couldn't pick up any Legos? It's like any other relationship that might try to come in your life to help you, to build on you. It's like you can't pick it up because your hand is still closing. Holding on to that old relationship, to that old Lego. It's like you have to let go of the Lego. You have to open up your hand. Because now when your hands open, guess what? I can put another Lego in your hand. I can take another Lego. I can start building. Now that you have your hand open and you can actually let the Lego open, you can start building with it. Wow. Uh, because that's what Legos are meant for. They're meant to build for it. Mhm. And it's like you have to learn.

Chris Miller: How to let it go. What a great analogy for learning how to forgive and let go. So how did you ultimately learn to forgive?

Santiago Paredes: Was it in church? It was church, man.

Chris Miller: It was God.

Santiago Paredes: Was prayer natural to you? No, it's hard, it's awkward. Especially when you pray in front of people. It was awkward thing you can do. But like I said, I preach sometimes. Uh, we did alive. And I started to see myself, I started to pick up on things. And I don't think that was m further, but when I first started, that was me bawling in my eyes, out in the altar, oh please God. And I started to pray for Guinness. And I have to in my mind, I have to let those things go too. Like the Lego, I could explain it and put it in an example because I knew what it was. I knew that you needed to let go. I needed to let go of the anger, I needed to let go of the unforgiveness. I needed to understand that I am worthy. I deserve uh, a good life. Even though I've been divorced, I've been done all these things. It's like we deserve better as people. We want something better. But when we were stuck in those things and can't let go of those things, we're not allowing ourselves. We own ourselves. We our own saboteurs. Is that what it's saying? Saboteurs? Self sabotage. Self sabotage over our own life sometimes.

Chris Miller: Like I was doing it.

Santiago Paredes: What's your favorite Bible verse? My favorite Bible verse? Philippians 313. Tell me about it. Philippians 313. Is that uh, when Paul is speaking to the Philippians and he's saying that I have not achieved it yet. But this is one thing I always do, is forgiving what is in my past and reaching forward to the gold that's ahead. Uh, it might not be word by word, but that's the justice. Uh huh. Pretty close, I'm pretty sure. But because this speaks so good to me, it's like because if I focus in my past just knowing the little things, uh, that happened in my past, if we look at the statistics, I shouldn't be here. I should be probably a mental hospital. My anger could have ended up me killing somebody. I could have been in prison. My past has so many, it started unfair. I can say that it's unfair to me because I didn't choose some of the things. Some of the truths were chosen by me. But if I start focusing on that, I will never know what's ahead. And I hold on to that because like I said and I'm not claiming to be perfect because Paul is very explicit. Uh, it's clear when he says that, he says that I have not achieved it yet. But this one thing I really do is like, I forgive. That's what's behind.

Chris Miller: And I reach forward to what's ahead.

Santiago Paredes: Yeah.

Chris Miller: Philippians 313. It's around there somewhere. Mhm. So how would you say one overcomes their demons?

Santiago Paredes: You got to face them, you got to fight them. How did I overcome my anger? I made peace with it. The opposite from it. I started to be more patient. Instead of just napping, just blowing off every little thing. I was like a tattoo. Hey, this is not me. This is not me. Learn how to process things. Learn how to slow down. Because I think when you use so fast, your reactions are quick. So everything is angry. Just the first reaction that you do. I think maybe it's a skill that as you get older you develop that, uh, you slow down. Think about it. And same thing. God gave us one mouth in two years for a reason.

Chris Miller: We listen twice and then what? We speak.

Santiago Paredes: Yeah.

Chris Miller: Tell me about after the turning point. You get plugged into church.

Santiago Paredes: Mhm. What starts happening in your life? I started to reach out to people that, that I heard. Like that's when I reached out to my, uh, to my friend, uh, my girlfriend that had a kid that she got to the borsche abortion. I was like, hey, I know it's probably passed. I know it's like when she first got my Texas, I was like, I don't know her. I don't know why you did that now. Because I need to start making peace with this. To talk about it, to have the courage. It takes a lot of strength to hold that inside of you, explain it. But it takes a lot of courage to open up and actually start talking about it, to resolve it. And a lot of people rather be strong than courageous.

Chris Miller: Come on.

Santiago Paredes: It's true. It is true. It's easy to just be strong, to just go to the gym and live something heavy and feel good about yourself. Then go understanding and have the courage to do something that you've never done.

Chris Miller: Two different things. Two different things.

Santiago Paredes: Oftentimes we mix them up, uh, though oh, yeah.

Chris Miller: And they can go together. Sure. But we reward strength sometimes when really we should be rewarding courage. M. Because at the beginning of this, you said you locked the closet with your skeletons in there and you were trying to throw that key as far away as you could. But after this turning point, it sounds like, for instance, you call your girlfriend, your former girlfriend, who whenever you all were teenagers, she had an abortion. And you start going through these skeletons one by one.

Santiago Paredes: Mhm.

Chris Miller: So what happens when you start addressing.

Santiago Paredes: These skeletons one by one? It's hard. It's just a long list. The first one was with the people that I can reach them. I don't know where they at. The people that hurt me when I was a baby. I'm m not a baby, but a young kid. I don't know where they at. God. But one of the things that I started doing is I was starting to pray for them. Instead of just saying, I forgive you, I started to pray for them and be like, I pray that they didn't do what they did to me, to any more kids. And I pray that they're in a better spot right now.

Chris Miller: But I started to plead God for their lives.

Santiago Paredes: Wow. So praying a blessing over them instead of because that's what the Bible says. Pray for your enemies and decide to pray for them. And then inside there was something that started to work and it was like, okay, it's like a preacher wants to explain something to me. He said, how does a thief stop being a thief? Have you ever heard that question before? What do you think?

Chris Miller: When does a thief stop being a thief? I think a thief stops being a thief when he actively, in his mind, tells himself, I'm no longer going to steal.

Santiago Paredes: And he doesn't anymore. He doesn't anymore. So he's preaching. Once he said a tip, stop being a thief. When he goes, gets his own job and starts giving out of his own job. Oh, wow. There's an inward work when there's an inward work in you is expressed because, you know, learn tanking. Now you're given. So when you're not tanking, the opposite from taking is given. So the thief takes and takes. Uh, unforgiving person is angry and takes and takes and takes. But now when you have unforgiveness in your heart, you don't wish well on people. But when you start praying for them, even though they might not deserve it, that's not my place to say, but you start given a blessing given. You start interceding for them, um, in prayer. And it changes your mind, it changes your heart. And it's hard. That's some of the hardest prayers I ever did, they were in my closet, wishing good on the people that hurt me. I get emotional sometimes. I'm sorry, because it's hard. It brings me back not to the unforgiveness, it brings me back to the sentiment when I was praying that the peace that I got from God, the peace that I started to receive, I started to feel. It brings me back to the spot, the place where change happened, when things started to be different. And it just makes me glad. And that's why I get emotional sometimes.

Chris Miller: When I talk about those things. Because you were set free from, um.

Santiago Paredes: Those feelings of contempt and anger and bitterness. Yeah. And that started. And then, of course, I talked to my mom. I made peace with her. I've talked to my dad. I've told him, It's all right. I know. And I don't have the best relationship with him. I don't think I've ever will have. A lot of people grow up with their dad, and their dad is the best friend that they can tell them anything. They call each other. They live in the same city. My dad is still in New York, and I text them very seldomly with.

Chris Miller: His birthday, which is September 10, I think.

Santiago Paredes: You say. Felice complaints. Yeah, I know. Christmas. I tell him, Merry Christmas. And when I hear something bad, I try to reach out, but I don't think we ever gave us a chance. He was too busy with his life. I.

Chris Miller: Got busy with my own. So with that being your experience of your father, you had a lot of pressure. And I know you said, I don't.

Santiago Paredes: Want to be like my dad, because I think that's what we all do. I don't want to be.

Chris Miller: That what we hate, the things that we see. We think, oh, I want to change that whenever I get the opportunity. And then as you get further in, fatherhood, you recognize yourself doing things that you said you would never want to do, which results in more guilt and more shame. And at some point, as you process that, you get to pray for the people who hurt you. You get to let go of that anger and bitterness and then also forgive yourself, which is arguably the hardest thing. And then what are you thinking about, Fatherhood?

Santiago Paredes: Then? What's your goal? So when I first was experienced to have m my first kids, my wife's, first marriage kids, I adopted them. They got my last name. But, uh, I think I wasn't ready for it. I jumped so hard on it so fast, and I was just off the military, so I was super strict with everything. I learned how to fold my shirt six inches exactly, and I needed to that with a ruler. I would check it and I don't think I was fair for them. So I started to give grace and everything, apply grace to everything. Of course, at that time, I was a more angry person. But now with my kids, I'm like, I told them I would be always be honest with them. And I try to be as honest as I can with everything that I do because it's just easier is it easier to not hide anything. And my kids started to understand us, so we watched a show and then I would tell them, I was like, hey, listen, I'm going to be honest with you. I will try my best. I won't promise you. I don't like making promises because seems like we always fall short of him. But when I tell you that I'm going to do my best not to lie to you, it's like, be sure that you're ready to hear the answer. And then he understood and he was like, all right. And then there was a joke about a seamen with the navy and stuff like that in this show that we watch. And he is like, why do they laugh about that? And I'm like, all right, yeah, here we go. It's one of the times when I want to tell you exactly what it is. And I know he's gruesome and he might be kind of Bibbit, but this is what it is. And he's like, oh, okay. All right. If you ever not ready for an answer, I would always tell you that you're not ready for an answer, mhm. But make sure you think about what you ask, too, because I will tell you like it is. And I do that to my kids and I try to always be honest. And instead of just yelling, I try to sit on the table and talk, which I think they dread it. If I was a kid, I would rather M, my mom beat me, like spank me, than just sit in the table and start to talk about everything. Uh huh. But I think I know the kids hate it, but I know it's different than just reacting to it and explaining to them and kind of like work through it. So we talk now. We talk more than it seems like sometimes I talk the most. But I think that's how kids are not going to express themselves, but they know that I'll give them the option that they can.

Chris Miller: And you set the lead, mhm. You set the lead. And that's something that you get to exemplify now as someone in that father figure, that leadership role of being a parent, mhm, is.

Santiago Paredes: Being able to set the lead. How many kids do you think you're going to have?

Chris Miller: You know, annie, you want to go.

Santiago Paredes: Back and forth on this?

Chris Miller: Yeah, how many? Annie I have a number in my head.

Santiago Paredes: And she has a different number. You have more than any other way. Other way.

Chris Miller: No way. And I think the reason why is because Annie grew up with three, so she wants three. But I would love to be a father, and that's something that I look forward to. And I was talking to somebody the other day, someone that I really respect, and they were talking to me about fatherhood, and it was the hardest time of their life was fatherhood. And it's a wild thing, thinking that everything that I've gone through, there's a chance well, everything coming up ahead, god willing. It's wild to think, wow, this could be one of the most rewarding, one of the hardest things. It's interesting looking at fatherhood before getting there, conceptualizing it, and I know that, uh, I'm trying to remember who it was, but they told me we always say I'm not ready for a lot of things, and oftentimes the only way you get ready is by being a part of it. So yeah, that's something that Annie and I would love to be a part.

Santiago Paredes: Of, and I'm excited about that. Yeah, I'm excited for you guys. You guys grow as family and everything. You guys are amazing. I really do hope you guys know that. Uh, I appreciate you guys and getting.

Chris Miller: To know you guys here and everything. Yeah, we appreciate you, too. You and your family is an all.

Santiago Paredes: Star now because you would have known me, like, 1015 years ago.

Chris Miller: I don't know if we wouldn't have been hanging out I don't know if you would have hung out with me 15 years ago either, because I would have just been a teenager. But what is, like, a final message.

Santiago Paredes: You'D like to give to everybody out there? Well, I haven't talked about my wife. I have to mention my wife now. You better talk about yeah. Because she is an amazing woman. She's a big part of m my journey, and I love her. I respect her.

Chris Miller: Uh, she has such a forgiving heart.

Santiago Paredes: Is that your favorite thing about her? Yeah. And talking about honesty when we was dating and stuff, and I was like, I don't want no more kids.

Chris Miller: There's no way.

Santiago Paredes: At that time, I was, like, 24, 25 kid and a, uh, nine year old. There's no way I'm starting over again. Heck, no, there's no way. And she was like, good, because I don't want any either. I'm like, at least we read that out of the table on my second time around, because I was married once already. On my second time around, if anybody is single and looking, it's like, be picky the decision that you make right now. If you settle before you choose your partner for life, that stuff will come back and hunt you. Yeah, well, I've had too many fell relationships where I know that you have to be honest from the very beginning. Right now, I think we live in such a culture that the selfies and everybody always put in the little perfect picture keeps you from really dealing with the meat and bones of our relationship, which is the friendship and then the connection, the emotional and personally, the connection that you have with your partner, that's what matters. I think that's what me and my wife work so well is that the emotional connection that we have. And then from the very beginning, we were always honest. She was like, I'm a little weird. And I was like, I'm really weird. But it wasn't something that she found out after we got married. It was like she knew going into it, so she needed to expect it.

Chris Miller: So it's really important to be always honest. You were much more comfortable with yourself.

Santiago Paredes: The second time around, I imagine. Yeah. I was able to express the things I wanted. Right. And I stayed him and I expressed them to make sure that it wasn't a surprise later. Mhm yeah, she's an all star.

Chris Miller: Uh, she's amazing. I love her. You got a good group dynamic. Now, that being said, what are you all looking forward to? Waiting for Annie.

Santiago Paredes: And you just had no more kids. Oh, now it's like letting my kids get out of the house so I can just go adventure and live this adventure spirit. I still have it. I haven't gotten rid of it. I still have it. My wife loves to at least try it. Everything wants to. She hates heights, uh, and things like that. And I love heights. She prefers the ocean over the mountains. But, hey, I love mountains. I'm ready to go do something. And I'm looking forward to the kids. It might sound like selfish, but I look forward for them to go to go have their own lives, have their own families, and just have freedom. Just be free and go do things for the church. Go explore, go travel, hopefully still continue to be involved in the church and spread the word. Mhm a lot of the times we think that church, uh, is about people that is judgmental to the other world. But the truth of the matter is that church is about forgiveness and reconciliation. And I think we need to make sure that the people understand that the church is not about who's right and who's wrong. Church is about forgiving and grace for the people that comes to it. It's not about pointing the fingers, about waiting with open arms. It starts with love. Yeah.

Chris Miller: Love is everything, man.

Santiago Paredes: Mhm love is good. Final message. Final message. Oh, man. You know what I asked? I want to ask you a question. This question. Yeah. All right, I'm sorry. I know you're trying to cut me out. I don't know how long we go into it, but I asked this to my wife the other day, and I was like, if you were to put your life in one sentence up to this point, your life where you said up to this point, if you can describe it with one sentence, what it would be. Oh boy. What's that one sentence be? She said beautifully broken. And she posted something about it because her story is beautiful and I know someday she's going to be able to express it. But, uh, he has a good story too. And beautifully, I think, because we have such a broken beginning that we connect so well. But she said beautifully broken.

Speaker B: So what's yours? I would want to lean into. He was someone who encouraged others. I want to be a natural encourager and that's what I hope to do with this, is everybody that comes on, they're an opportunity to encourage someone else, mhm which you've done through this. And you are a walking testament of encouragement. And I get to encourage you by telling you that. But at the same time, anybody who listens to this, if they identify with any of that, what you're going through, I can tell them indirectly that they can get through it and they can thrive because that's something you've done. M. And you're thriving right now. And it's so cool to see that. And you're an inspiration. And I hope to grow as a man to that level, but I hope to encourage people and let this be a part of that. Every single episode is just inspiration that people have stories. And oftentimes the stories are going to be better than anything you could have ever imagined.

Santiago Paredes: What'd you answer my answer. I've been thinking about it, but I can't wrap everything up because I had such a broken beginning. Mhm but it's not over yet. There you go. I think that's what it is. My beginning might have been starving.

Speaker B: Uh, and I probably almost didn't start.

Santiago Paredes: Struggled to start seriously. It wasn't supposed to start. Such a small beginning. I've, uh, heard about never be, uh, ashamed of a small beginning. And I think I want my life and what all those people are ah, here is like I had so many times where I wanted to quit and I had the opportunity to quit and I've tried to quit and I have. There's so much more and I try to quit and I've dealt with that, but I kept going. And if anybody's listening and they find any encouragement out of this, just keep going. Because failure is not failing or something. Failure, stop trying. So it's all about keep trying and keep pushing. I know it's hard and I know it gets rough sometimes, but you got to keep going because you don't know. Philippians like I said, you got to.

Speaker B: Reach forward to what's ahead. Mhm continue to reach forward.

Santiago Paredes: Failure isn't final. Yeah, you're a rock star.

Speaker B: Not as much as you, bro.

Santiago Paredes: Maybe we're like neck and neck. Neck and neck. It's a tirade. But we're not done yet.

Speaker B: We're not done yet, which is a great place to be.

Santiago Paredes: So thank you for being here.

Speaker B: Thank you for the invite.

Santiago Paredes: It. Mhm was fun. And folks.