#38 - Karista Paredes: How to Recognize an Abusive Relationship and Take Action

I think the most beautiful part about the human experience is connection, the lived experience.

And obviously, names, you can redact, you can do whatever you want to do and share to your level of comfort.

But how did it start?

We get real personal real fast.

So here we go.

Hey, you all, Chris Miller here.

I just made the finishing touches on the edits for this week's podcast with Ms.

Karista Paredes.

This podcast is one of the most raw and authentic conversations that we've had on this show.

As many of you know, but if it's your first time, let me tell you, the whole podcast is dedicated towards growing and social connection so that you can be a more healthy person and be more resilient to life's stress.

This episode is all about how to navigate an abusive relationship.

And the reason why this episode is so important is because it helps us identify what makes a relationship bad so that we can avoid those things to make a relationship good.

Karista was incredible in this podcast, and I'm going to have her back on to share the next chapter, aka the redemption story, because she's crushing it.

But I'm so grateful she shared her story.

So before I transition you over to that, if you could like the podcast, follow wherever you're listening, subscribe to the YouTube channel, comment whenever you get a chance.

And other than that, thanks for your support.

This thing's growing.

It's so cool to be a part of.

Without further ado, Ms.

Karista Paredes.

All right.

And there you go.

Officially live, Ms.

Karista Paredes.

How are you?

I'm good.

I'm a little nervous today, but I'm good.

To be completely honest.

It's all about that honesty.

What do you think your nerves are about?

I think for me, my nerves are that I'm still new to Lawrence.

So this is a totally something different for me.

So that's why I'm a little nervous.

It's because it's like, whoa, here we go.

You recently celebrated one year in Lawrence.

We did.

Yeah, I know.

That was really exciting, and it came really fast.

I didn't realize how fast it was coming until it was here, and it was like, oh my gosh, we've already been here a year.

But then it doesn't.

I feel like Lawrence has become definitely home for us right now, and so it didn't feel like it was a year either.

Like it was fast, but then it feels like we've been here for a minute, if that makes sense.

Totally.

It's happened so quickly.

Yeah.

How would you describe your first year?

I think our first year was full of probably learning.

We had challenges, but I think we definitely, I think learning, that's our word.

We definitely learned a lot, like all around.

Well, you're learning a lot.

And we start every episode with rapid fire questions.

Are you ready for some?

Yes.

Here we go.

What advice would you give your younger self?

What advice would I give my younger self would probably be to don't sweat the big stuff.

Enjoy the small moments for sure.

That's a good one.

What is success for you?

Success for me, I think is ongoing and always growing.

I don't think you ever actually hit your peak in success, because if you do, then you just don't have big dreams.

You know what's funny?

Whenever I asked these to Santiago, he's like, these aren't rabid fire questions.

I have to actually think about this, but he answered the same way.

There you go.

That's interesting.

And for those who don't know, Santiago is your husband.

Yes.

So if we refer to Santiago, what is the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?

So people will probably think the weirdest thing I've ever eaten would have to be raccoon.

I have had barbecue raccoon.

That is probably the weirdest thing that people would be like, that's weird.

But a couple months ago, took my first ever oyster shot.

I'd have to say that was an experience.

You can go look it up on Instagram and see the video if you're really intrigued right there.

Would you do it again?

That mixture of flavor.

Yeah, well, for me, they put it in there really spicy, and so the spice was like, okay, that was the part that got me, I think.

It wasn't so spicy.

I think I would probably be like, okay, let's do this again.

But because it was so spicy, I was like, it's going to give me heartburn or something after this.

So if you're interested, let's go watch that because that was pretty entertaining.

It's funny, Santiago said, oh, you should ask Karista that question.

She eats raccoon.

Did she?

That's awesome.

So that's how you open it up.

Last rapid fire question.

If you were to write a book, what would you write about it and why?

Man, Chris, you know inside story about me.

So that's not fair.

Um, yeah, so I would write.

I would probably write about something that I personally have experienced because I think personal experience in books is more can be more impactful.

So I would definitely probably write about abuse is what I'd write about.

Yeah.

Yep.

Right about abuse.

I would.

Yes.

I know.

You want me to continue?

I know.

It's out of the bag.

No.

So I'm currently actually working on something.

So currently writing, and that's a new challenge for me.

That's very personal.

I'm not going to give you the title of it because I think that's just, you know, what makes it even more special.

But it is about past relationships and just going through that valley moment in my life.

So I definitely am excited to get that out there in the world.

But I don't know when that's going to be happening yet.

So yeah, it's a process.

Did you always want to write a book?

No, I did not always want to write a book.

Writing for me is very therapeutic.

It's very easy for me to write.

I journal a lot.

I have multiple journals at my house, actually, and I love to do it.

So one day it was I was just like, man, what if I put these all together?

What if I actually sit down and really go through my journals and be like, can this impact or help somebody else out?

Because I truly believe that we go through different situations and things in life, and that's what kind of connects us with everybody.

And if my story can connect somebody else, then definitely that's what I want.

So that's the reason why I would do it.

Definitely not for a me moment.

I think it's for somebody else moment.

Right.

Not to be like, oh, I'm a published author.

Yeah, definitely.

If I didn't have to put my name on it, I wouldn't.

It's just for if I can help somebody else out in that area.

And what leads you to say, out of anything in the world, I'd write about abuse?

So yeah, because I've been through it a lot in my life.

Probably a good 10 years of my life was centered around abuse.

And so I feel like I came out of that.

It's still a process that you have to go through.

And I feel like because I'm in that like end stage of it, I would have to say, because you don't ever get over it completely, but like you learn how just to heal and move through that.

And so I feel like that a lot of women and even a lot of men actually go through abusive situations and just don't know what to do, like don't know how to get out or they get out and then they don't know what to do with their lives or how do I heal, how do I move forward, or they become victims, you know, like just all the mental stuff that comes along with it, you know, with abuse.

So that's why I would love to be able just to shed light and be like, hey, this is what I did.

I'm not a professor.

I'm not a I'm a normal person that went through this.

And this is what helped me, you know, get through that process.

So I would love to be able to do that for somebody else.

Because did you feel like you had that?

I feel like I had it to a certain point.

I definitely I did have a couple of mentors when I was going through my situation that were there.

But I do have to say that some of the mentorship I received, I don't agree with.

So now that I've been through it, it's like, I see if somebody would come to me and be like, hey, this is my situation, I went through the same situation you did.

Like, what would you recommend?

I definitely would give a different recommendation than when I went through it.

And then like regarding your story, obviously, you are the person who has the story.

So just like you're writing the book, you get to determine what you put in there.

You get to determine what you talk about, any of it.

So how has that been navigating your personal story and what to share and how to share it?

Yeah, so what I ended up doing was this was really this.

When you write your story, like I think a lot of people think, oh, yeah, you just like sit down and write about it.

It's a very emotional process just because you're pretty much choosing to take yourself back into those situations mentally.

You know, I'm physically not there, but mentally and emotionally, I'm taking myself back into that.

And so just to see how I felt and going through different situations.

So for me personally, what I started to do is I actually wrote from day one and I've been just writing through like the past.

Yes, kind of through the past 10 years.

And the reason why I did it that way was because I wanted to be able to process for myself and to see the timeline for myself.

And then what I've done is actually gone now.

And I'm actually giving you a view from like younger version to older version, Krista.

So like going back and forth, like I wish like how I am now to this day to that, you know, 20, 20 year old girl, you know who she was, you know, almost 15 years ago.

So going through that has been definitely even it's been a triggering process, but it's also been an even deeper healing process for sure, you know, going through that.

So and that's what I chose to do for myself.

I know it's different for everybody who have written, you know, abuse books or, you know, all that kind of stuff.

I have looked them up.

I've read a couple other ones.

And for me personally, I felt like this would have a big impact to kind of compare and contrast the 21-year-old version to the, you know, 35-year-old version of who I am now, you know, to look back and go back and forth.

So some stories I've written out and I'm like, OK, have that delete moment.

I'm like, OK, I do not want people to know that.

Or like, that's just too personal.

Like, I don't want it to come across as being like.

I'm a victim.

I have this victim mentality.

I don't want that this book to portray that because I'm not a victim anymore, you know, and I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like I'm a victim.

Yes, I was a victim of it, but I no longer am.

I'm out of that, you know.

And so I think that's so important to be able to relay that in the writing that it doesn't seem like I'm a victim.

I'm just slamming somebody or people in general.

And doing it day one and then going to day 10 or year 10, I think, is also really helpful because oftentimes abusive relationships don't start that way.

No, right.

The day one is way different than the third chapter.

Yes, it really is.

And that's been I think the thing writing it is like I see now because I'm looking in, you know.

So like when you have those people that are look into it.

But it's totally different when you're looking into something like me personally looking into my relationship versus it being like you looking into the relationship because you weren't there, you know, in the evenings or you weren't there, you know, during the fights or you weren't there during the conversations.

And I think that's something that people don't always get to see that side of it.

You know, they just see the outside at them, you know, at the mall or the grocery store at church or, you know, where, you know, family reunions, how you put on fake smiles.

And like, that's what they see.

You know, they don't see the other stuff that goes along in the intimate parts of the home.

Well, regarding the book you're writing and you're writing these stories, let's hear part of it.

You want to hear a part of it, huh?

Yeah, like share with, I think the most beautiful part about the human experience is connection via lived experience.

And obviously names, you can redact, you can do whatever you want to do and share to your level of comfort.

But how did it start?

So there's a lot I, I think how I'm going to start it is for me, I actually started the book January.

I think it was January the 7th.

And this was 2021 was me sitting in my apartment and I was sitting there with my journals.

Just looking back, I just had moved into a new apartment with my daughter.

And it was like, it was the final time.

It was the last time I finally officially had left.

I had given him a two day notice that I was leaving that day.

I left the house that I owned.

I left furniture.

I love like I just literally packed up stuff that I could bring into an apartment with me.

I did have some help from amazing people to, you know, bring over my bed.

He even helped me bring over my bed, and I think that's important to share because that was control, like so he knew where I lived and like where I had his daughter, which of course I had to tell him that for legal reasons, but it was just the control of like, hey, I helped you, you know, and I start the book with that.

And I think the reason why is because I want it.

I want people to see where it had come to like the final breaking point had come.

At that and then I start going through and talking about a little bit of statistics and you know, just a little bit, not much, because this book is from my view.

It's not from a statistical psychology view, you know, and so if that's what you want, then you're going to look it up online, you know, so like I'm not here to do that for you.

But something that really stuck out to me is that it takes most women anywhere from four to seven times before they leave an abusive relationship.

And I had hit number four.

And so I left the relationship four times.

And I think that right there was a huge moment for me.

And I think that's something that a lot of people don't mentally comprehend, you know, is why did you never leave?

Why did you know if he was breaking things, if he was, you know, like you're calling the cops, and you know, like if you fear for your life, why are you not leaving?

But the mental part, I think, is a big aspect that I talk about a lot in the book, is more mental abuse versus the physical side of it.

Yes, there was physical, but a lot of it was mental abuse.

And so then after I do a little bit of statistics, I jump right in.

So the first time I was mentally abused was Valentine's Day, actually.

We get real personal real fast.

So here we go.

So the first time I noticed the mental abuse was I had saved myself from marriage.

And so I knew that I was like, this is something that I chose.

I was kind of freaked out.

I was just going to get knocked up.

But I was like, also, just mentally, you know, sex is a lot of mental stuff.

And a lot of people that say, oh, I can have one.

I say, no, it doesn't mess with me.

Yes, it does.

Because when you really you're just not thinking about it, you know what I mean?

Like you don't want to think about it.

But if you really think about it, it really does.

It can get to you.

And so for me, we ended up having sex before marriage.

We were engaged at that point.

And I was I felt really convicted because I was in church.

I was in ministry.

I was, you know, doing a lot of things.

And I was just like, man, like, I really feel convicted about this.

I feel like we should wait, at least wait until we, you know, we were married.

We were a couple months before we were going to be married and everything.

And I remember it's Valentine's Day comes over and I told him no.

Like I flat out was like, I don't feel comfortable.

I don't want to have sex with you.

And I remember him looking at me and just being like, wow, like you get me hard and now you're not going to perform.

And I remember in that moment just being like, whoa, like, who are you to be able to say that to me?

And that was something that was just kind of like a shock moment, you know, where you're like, did that really just happen?

And I remember he described his stuff and he just left.

Like it was just like, bam, let me drop mic drop on you and just walk out.

You know, now you have to deal with it.

And it was my fault.

You know, like it was everything was always my fault.

And so that's where I was.

That was the very first time that I was like, OK, you know, and then I just thought, well, you know, he is a man.

OK, let's you know, we got married and stuff like that.

And then on our wedding day, he didn't really like to dance.

And I love to dance like it's something that I've always loved to do.

I mean, I did dance when I was younger.

And, you know, I like to do Latin dancing.

I like to do it all.

And so I remember we was on our wedding day.

And you're supposed to be happy all the time, you know, you get married, do the whole shebang and everything.

And I wouldn't say that we weren't happy.

But I remember our first dance, him just being like, dancing and him looking at me and being like, this is the only dance you'll get with me.

And I was like, what?

And he was like, because you know, I don't like doing this stuff, but this is the only dance you'll get.

And I think at that point in our 10 year relationship that I was in, I think we danced one other time together.

And that was like flashback, like flash forward, like six years later, we would dance together.

And it was another forced, like his mother forced it.

And so in that moment, it was just kind of like, whoa, what did I get myself into?

You know, maybe it's just stress.

It was always, I always made excuses for him.

And for those of you who've been through mental abuse, like that's like the number one thing is like you start making excuses.

You start blaming yourself for everything.

Well, maybe I should have done this.

Maybe I should have done that, you know, type of scenario.

And so it's just like starting the book off that way, you know, like going through and being like, here's a story.

And then I kind of look back at me now, or I like pin it with, you know, a couple years later, or, you know, go back and forth in that way, which I think is kind of impactful because it just kind of gives you a comparison, in a sense, you know, of situations that have happened.

So that's just small for you right there.

I know a lot of people are going to buy your book because it is true.

And it's, you're not making this up.

Because on Valentine's Day, then you could make up the excuse of, maybe I turned them on somehow.

Like, maybe I need to make sure I don't do that, or like blaming yourself.

Yep.

Right?

Well, and at that point, I think it was the reality too, of the expectation of like, you know, like in relationships, we think Valentine's Day, birthdays, Christmas, like holidays, like that's when we have to have sex.

Like that's requirements, you know?

And so to me, it turned into like, wow, like this is a requirement now.

Like here when I'm married, and it's already becoming a requirement.

Like I'm required to perform on these certain times for you because this is what you want.

What about what I want, you know?

So it was already turning into that.

And later on, through the relationship, that's how it was sexually.

Like it was very like when you wanted it, and if it wasn't, if I didn't perform that way, then he saw it through other women.

And so that's, you know, so then it turned into that standard of like, if you're not going to give it to me, then I'll go get it from somebody else, or I'll do it to myself or in front of you.

Like that's what it turned into.

So it went from like this small like words of saying it to physical, to like sexual abuse, to you know, and onwards to that, that all kind of like go through in the book too.

And it's important to discuss because we always talk about the power of relationships, right?

And the power of people.

And I remember in my undergraduate, I was studying interpersonal communication, and there's this class called the dark side of communication.

And what the dark side of communication looked at was, we are really generous people, we're really happy, there's really cool things that can happen.

But how can we recognize when things aren't going the way they're supposed to?

How can we have signals in our brain that are like, wait, that's actually manipulation going on?

Yeah.

Like, hold up.

Did they just refer to me as blank?

Like, this doesn't feel right.

And if we don't know when to know that it's not okay, then we won't really be able to know.

So yeah, but it's so hard to share the story, right?

It is.

It's very emotional.

Like, I had somebody tell me one time, and I was like, this is so good.

And I tell it to other people all the time when they're going through the healing process.

Because people will ask me all the time, how did you know you were healed?

Like, how could you be...

Because I'm divorced, remarried.

And they're like, how can you be remarried so soon?

Or how's the timeline?

Or you need to wait a year or eight months or five years.

Everybody has their own...

Like, you're talking about the mental dynamic of it.

And for me, somebody had told me, and they were like, you know you're healed when your trigger is different and when you can talk about it and not cry.

And I was like, that is so true.

Because for me personally, when people...

I've had one-on-one conversations with people, they get very emotional.

I mean, I tell them a little bit, and they're already almost in tears.

And they're like, why are you not crying?

How are you not emotional about it?

And I'm like, because I'm healed from it.

I can talk about this, and it's not going to ruin my day.

I'm going to be able to leave here and go home and go on a date night with my husband.

And it's going to be okay.

It's not going to trigger me.

It's not going to...

I'm not going to get all upset about it, because I have healed from that.

And I am at a point in my life where I have healed, and I am able to say, this happened to me.

This is just one check on my list, and now let's move on.

What can I do to make it better?

Who can hear my story and be like, I'm going through that?

And I needed that encouragement.

Or I needed to know, hey, that is abuse.

That is manipulation.

I need to get in counseling.

I need to talk, is this a relationship I'm supposed to even be in?

To question those things and to feel like it's okay to question those things about that.

After you get married, you've already noticed a couple of things.

A couple of red flags, some signals going off.

Would you say it was more of those or more intense flags?

What would you say the typical progression looks like in an abusive relationship like that?

And maybe for you personally, how did it progress?

Yeah, so for me personally, those few red flags that happened before we were married was very kind of like we're young.

I mean, we were 20, 21.

So I always thought and he was my first love.

I lost my Virginia to him, like all that kind of stuff.

So I think that emotional connection that was there made it even harder to be like, I saw past those things, if that makes sense.

That moment where you hear girls say, oh my gosh, I'm so in love.

Like, oh, if he doesn't put the, if he this one, oh, you just punched the hole in the wall, but I'm so in love with him, he won't do it again.

Like that moment is what I was going through in the first probably three months of our marriage.

And then about month three to six was when I started noticing the masculine part of it coming out, meaning like I didn't have very much say in our marriage or even in where we lived, who lived with us, his friend moved in with us that I was like, why are we having somebody move in with us?

We're barely married.

Yeah, they moved in.

Just things like that, like the little things that I was like, well, wait a second, like we're supposed to talk about these things together as a couple, then make that decision.

He would just make the decision for us because he was the husband and he needed, you know, he was the head of the household.

I was a Christian.

I was supposed to submit.

I was supposed to, you know, like, so he used a lot of like the biblical and a lot of those things against me, like this, this, this, and this, you know, he paid most of the bills, so I couldn't go, you know, if I wanted to do something with friends, well, I had to prove that through him because he's the one who had the money and I didn't.

And, you know, things like that.

So those little things like started to progress over time until I think my daughter was about, was it almost her first birthday?

And then that's when I found out that he cheated for the first time.

It was an emotional cheating that happened.

And so I just had our daughter and she was almost a year old.

And I think at that point, I was so like, hey, it happens.

Like every woman gets cheated on, right?

You know, like it's just part of marriage.

You fight through it.

You figure it out.

You know, things like that.

And so that's what we did.

Like it, we didn't go to council or anything.

It was very like he said sorry.

And then we pushed underneath the rug and went on with life because I had a one year old.

You know what I mean?

Like you figure it out.

The type of a scenario we moved.

We, you know, he bought me a new car.

So it was OK.

You know, like things like that.

And then and then year two and a half.

I go usually based off of like my daughter's age.

She was about two and a half, three.

That's when the second time happened when she cheated when he cheated.

And that time was social media was starting to get big.

So there it all happened was through social media.

And that's when I confronted him and I felt a little bold.

I was like, I still got it.

Like, I still have myself like, who are you to do this to me?

You know?

And then, of course, it turned around on me of like, you know, you don't give me enough sex.

You know, you're not ever, you know, you don't pay attention to me enough.

I work all the time, you know, this and that.

So it automatically flipped.

He flipped the script on me all the time.

So it justified his actions because of me.

And so that's how the progression would go.

Almost every like three years, I would have to say it was like something else or somebody else, like until a point where, you know, in those times I moved out.

Like I said, it took me four times.

I personally moved out.

I think twice I moved out and actually left the home with our daughter.

And then at year five, we got divorced.

So we were we got to we ended up getting divorced because I was like, you're not trying.

And I just I'm done.

Like I was done.

And then the moment we got divorced was like the switch.

Like, oh, she actually had the nerve to divorce me, you know, like she actually has full custody of my child.

Like I think it was the switch that was like, oh, my gosh, I actually got to try and do something about this, you know.

And then he became all of a sudden became very present and became very like humble and everything.

And then so we tried dating again, and then we moved in together.

But when we moved in together into the new house, he wanted me to take him back to court so that I could take child support off of him.

And that's when it all the fun happened, because the moment I took child support off of him, he magically didn't move into the house anymore with us.

Yeah.

So that's when it started turning more physical, abuse-wise.

It wasn't just emotional at that point.

It started turning more physical.

And it's almost to this point to where you've recognized your self-worth.

Yeah.

And then potentially the other side may be thinking, oh, well, so far mentally, abuse has worked, but I may have to step it up and exert my power a different way.

Yeah.

And I think it turned into that breaking things, it turned into throwing stuff, it turned into...

It hit that level.

It just started escalating at that point.

And then we just moved from house to house.

So it was almost like I think when he noticed, like I'm starting to get caught or I'm starting, like let's move, let's get something better, let's get something bigger, let's get...

It was always based off of that.

And that's where, I mean, we've moved...

I think the longest I've lived in a place was probably two years, two or three years, because we would move all the time.

And a lot of that too was because the women would find out where we would live.

So then it turned into that.

So it would come over?

Yeah.

And so it got real crazy, real fast, if you can only imagine that.

So yeah, there's a lot.

We could be on this podcast for a while.

We're going to need Krista 2.0 here in a minute.

No, I'm just kidding.

Revealing all the dirty secrets.

I think that it's incredibly important and really brave of you.

Whenever you get your divorce, there's a moment where you are like divorce, meaning separated, boom, what was brought together by marriage, fuse the two metals, they're now taken apart.

So in your head, are you thinking never again?

Like marriage wise?

With this guy, because then you guys start dating.

So like, what's the narrative in your head?

And how does it progress to?

Okay, maybe.

Yeah, I think for me, it was like, this is where it's kind of weird, emotionally, because when you get divorced, yeah, you break that narrative, like what you're saying.

And for me, it was like, it was a little taste of freedom, and it was a little bit like, you can't tell me what to do moment.

I felt like I was kind of getting a little bit of boldness there.

But then when we started dating and dating again, and everything, and trying to make things work there, it almost turned into an excuse of, well, we're not married anymore.

So it actually was like a two-edged sword moment, because it was like, and this is where my whole thing comes in with like, I mean, I could tell you for those people that are listening that are like, oh yeah, well, we lived together, and we've lived together for six years.

He would never leave me like this.

And like, I'm a huge against that.

And the reason why is because I lived it, you know?

We were married, he, you know, and cheated on during marriage.

You know what I mean?

Now we're divorced and everything, and dating again.

Why would I think that he would not cheat again?

But I think because I was so mentally like, this was the first man I ever been with, because after we got divorced, I didn't even date.

Like, I was so focused on my child and so focused on, you know, work and just trying to make ends meet at that point, that it was like, I don't got time to focus on dating and one night stands and do all that craziness.

I don't got time for that.

I mean, my daughter was super young then.

She was still, she was like four or five years old, you know?

So that's where the focus was at, where his focus, because now that we're divorced, it opened up the avenue to be like, take the ring off.

I'm, you know, I'm divorced.

Like, I don't have to live a lifestyle no longer of that.

So it operated and allowed him to have secrets that can't, that are still coming out to this day, but have secrets that are just, you know, that he could have and he could keep.

Like, what's the reservation?

You know what I mean?

He's not bound to share with a wife.

He doesn't have a wife.

It's like you are unexclusively dating again.

Yes, exactly.

That's what it was like.

And he was in a turn.

And then I think I became very bitter against marriage with him because it was like, well, you cheated on me then and you treated me like crap then.

So why would I want to marry you again?

You know, why would I want to divorce you again?

Why would I want to go through all of that again?

So it gave me an out.

It gave me an out of, well, if this doesn't work, I can just leave again.

And that's what I learned to do was to run away from the problems versus standing in the problem and dealing with it.

And that's what this abusive relationship trained me to do, was I became a person of when it got hard and difficult and I didn't want to deal with it, I ran from it.

But then I would come right back to it because I never actually dealt with it.

And that's why it takes women and takes men so many times to get out of an abusive relationship, no matter what kind of abuse it is, is because they don't deal with it.

That's why they always go back to it.

So that's what I would do.

I would move out, take my child.

We're not doing this anymore.

You're this, this, and this, you know, whatever.

And then I would go back to church and I'd start getting on fire for God and everything like that.

And then he would sweet talk and come in.

And instead of me, it was a vicious cycle, instead of me cutting it off and being like, no, like, I need to deal with this, I need to deal with healing, I need to process this.

I would just jump right back into it because he knew that he knew when I was getting too bold.

So he would come back, you know, and just tell me those little things like you're never going to find another man that's going to love you, you know, or take care of you.

What if he abuses our daughter?

What if, you know, like all those, all the mental mess that he would mess me up mentally?

His family would, you know, no other man's going to do this or that.

What if, you know, like, so it wasn't just him.

It was other people too that were feeding into that.

So then I just felt stuck.

I felt like I can't do this.

Like, you know, like I have to go back, you know, financially, like all of it, you know, it was easier to go back into that situation and pretend to be happy than it was to have to stand on my own two feet and figure it out in those moments.

Do you think most people who find themselves in this situation get to a breaking point, and that's what gets them to finally face the situation?

Yes.

Why do you think it's four to seven?

I think it's four to seven because of that.

I think that it gets to a breaking point.

And I think the hardest part, and this is where the whole mental part comes in when you talk to people.

And like I said, I'm not a psychologist.

I don't know what study they did or whatever.

But that's what it comes down to is that for me personally, I had to get all the way down to the pit moment.

And I reference this, and I reference this because I never could explain it to somebody until on Netflix.

Netflix?

Shout out to Netflix?

No.

They made a series called Made, M-A-I-D.

And I recommend this TV show to a lot of people that don't understand, well, why didn't you just leave and stay gone the first time?

Why didn't you, you know, the second, the third time?

You know, like, why did it take you so many times?

And I look at them and I tell them, you will never understand it unless you've been through it.

But I tell them, watch that Made series.

And the reason why is because at the very end, right before she gets out of the relationship, she is kind of the same thing.

She goes into this pit moment, where she feels like the couch has, like, sucked her in, and she's down in this pit.

And she can hear this small, this voice of this woman who's trying to help her.

And she's, like, banging on the door, and she's like, I know you're in there.

I know you're in there.

Like, I'm here to help you.

It took that one person to pull her out of the pit moment to make her feel worthy and that she could actually do it on her own two feet.

She could be a single mom.

She could, you know, she could still have, go to school and have all of her dreams that she wanted.

And I feel like that explains it so much.

Because when you're in abuse, the abuser always gives you a little bit, you know, a bit of them, you know.

Like, for me, it was, you know, well, it's because I wasn't raised very well.

My mom didn't love me the way that she should have loved me.

That's the reason why I treat you the way I treat you.

You know, so they turn themselves into the victim.

The abuser turns themselves into a victim.

So that's how they mentally capture you.

So it's those moments of like, okay, I'm strong enough.

I'm going to leave.

I'm going to, I'm going to leave.

I can do this.

Like the first time, it was like, I got it.

Financially, I was good.

It was good.

So when he came back into our lives, it was like, oh, I'm going to date you again.

I'm going to show you how I should treat you.

The second time, it was like, you know, well, I want to buy us a house.

We should get a house together.

So it was like the dreams that I visually that I had that he knew he would feed into those.

You know what I mean?

So it was like each time it was something to feed me that he knew was in my heart that I wanted a desire that I wanted that he could give me in those moments.

That's how he kept me captured until that last time when it had hit the most physical had ever been.

And in that moment, my daughter was about nine years old, nine, ten years old.

And I remember just being like when you find out that your child is hiding in a closet because she can hear the fighting and everything.

That was the moment that I was like, I'm done.

I don't want my daughter to marry me in like this.

I don't want her to see her mom like this anymore.

That's when I knew like it wasn't just me.

It was my child too.

Like I had to get out for myself to be the best mom I could be for my child.

And there would be somebody out there that would love me and my child because God knows the desires of my heart.

And he knows that I wanted to be married in a healthy relationship.

And he knew all those things.

I wanted to be full time ministry.

I wanted all these things.

And I knew staying in this relationship, I could not have those.

And until I hit that pit moment where I felt like I had to pull myself out and drag myself out, that was when I had to go through it.

I had to go through the steps, which really sucks.

But I had to go through them to get where I'm at now.

So that moment of your daughter hiding in the closet breaks the spell.

Yeah, so she was hiding in the closet.

I was actually in the moment that I was like, I can't do this anymore.

It was in August, and he had come home.

He was a drunk, and so he'd been drinking and everything.

And I was in laundry, and he had come home because, you know, at that point, it was like, you never do this, you know, whatever.

So I was like, OK, spice it up.

Let's try this.

Like, I was trying, you know, I was trying to fulfill certain things.

And so there I was in my laundry, and I remember he got so mad at me.

And I don't remember what it was at that moment, but he got really mad.

And he literally picked up all my clothes and threw them into the kitchen.

Everything.

He just starts kicking me out, throwing me out.

And he throws everything in the kitchen.

He rips up the bed, and as our daughter's upstairs.

And in that moment, I was just like, I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't know if you're going to come home and throw me out of the house.

I don't know if you're going to come home.

I don't know anymore.

He was such a wild card at that moment that I was just like, I can't do this anymore.

And I don't want my daughter to walk down those stairs and see her mom standing there in her lingerie, clothes thrown everywhere, you know, like, yeah, it was just and he was literally physically trying to physically remove me from the house in that moment.

And I just and his sister was living with us.

She saw it.

And it was just one of those scenarios where it was just kind of like, this is not what I want.

And I remember just crying, crying and just being like, why am I here?

Like, why am I doing this?

Why am I allowing somebody to treat me this way?

And why am I allowing multiple people to treat me this way?

Because this sister didn't say anything.

Like she act as if it was like normal, like I deserved it.

And I remember just being like, I don't want that.

Like, there's no way sticking up for me right now.

Like, you know, doesn't matter what I did or if I did anything like for you to do stuff like that.

Like, that's just a big negative, you know, so I thought that was my breaking point, you know.

That's when I knew I had to get out.

Now, from August to December, there was a lot of scenarios that happened in between those times, but that's when I emotionally cut off.

So you'll hear people talk about that.

And this is something I want to explain, because there's a lot of stigmas around this, is that women, when you emotionally are cut off from your abuser, you lose all love, and you're done.

I fell out of love months before that, but that August moment was when I officially knew.

Now it's survival mode.

It's get out mode.

And so from August to December, I would put $50 behind.

I would take it out in cash and store it somewhere safe.

I started looking at apartments.

I started going to counseling, figuring out just different things of myself.

What do I need to do?

And I went through that process until the very end of December, was when after New Year's, I finally was able to be able to do that.

Got my tax refund back, stuff like that.

Single moms have to figure that stuff out, and that's when I moved out officially.

So there was a lot of craziness that happens in between those things.

I'm not going to be in there, but that will all be in the book.

Seriously, in the book.

Yeah.

And when you communicate that you're moving out, big backfire?

So because he was a big manipulator, I knew I couldn't tell him beforehand.

So that's why I told him on a Thursday that I was moving out on Friday.

So I just told him, I said, I need to figure out.

And of course, I said the wording correctly because I knew what I was dealing with.

So I just phrased in was just like, hey, I'm moving out because I need to figure out me.

I need to live by myself.

We're not married.

I need to take this year.

I need to figure it out.

This is not working out between us.

He knew it wasn't working out.

I mean, come on.

You can be naive from it.

You know what I mean?

It was not working out.

And I was like, I'm leaving the home, and I'm going to take our daughter with us.

She can go back and forth because we both lived in the same city.

And it was just kind of like, let's do that.

Let's figure out how to co-parent with each other because I can't be in this.

We cannot live together.

It is not healthy for us to be living together.

And so because I did it that way, I think that's the reason why he didn't blow up.

At least on me, he didn't blow up.

But that phrasing is smart because it's not a personal attack on him.

Correct.

It's, oh, I got to work on stuff.

Yes.

Yeah.

Like, oh, you've been right.

I do have a lot wrong with me, and I need to figure it out somewhere else.

And that's how I had to do it.

And some people may be like, well, you should have been...

Well, when you're dealing with an abusive, manipulative man that's stronger than you, that, I mean, at any moment, I could have been gone from this earth.

If you wanted me gone, I would have been gone.

You know what I mean?

So you have to be smart about that.

And so at that point, I just knew.

I had my plan.

There were certain people who knew what was going on.

You know what I mean?

They were phone call away.

They knew what time the conversation was going to be at.

They didn't hear from me in 15 minutes to get there.

I knew what I was doing.

I had talked to my lawyer.

I knew everything and the smart way to go about it because of that.

Because I didn't want the negative to happen like that.

My daughter wasn't in the home because I wanted to make sure if I needed to leave or something happened, she wasn't there.

It was all planned.

It was organized.

And I totally recommend if you're going through the situation, you do the same thing.

You know, you got to know what you're dealing with.

You got to be smart.

And you had people, like you said, who were 15 minutes pop in.

How do you start letting people in to get to that point?

My parents were the first ones, especially my dad.

My mom is a very emotional woman and loved my mom completely because she wears her heart on her sleeve.

You know what I mean?

So for her, it was very emotional.

For me, I went to my dad because my dad was the one that...

My dad and I are a lot alike when it comes to our emotions.

You know, I can be very emotional.

My husband will tell you, you never cry at anything, you know?

He cries at everything.

And I'm like, it's not that I don't cry at things.

It's just that I just decompartmentalize things.

And in that moment, it didn't have time for emotion to be an emotional bubble about it.

I knew this is where I was at.

And so my dad was my first one that I let in.

That was like, this is what's happening, yada, yada, yada.

And he was like, okay, let's do this.

You know what I mean?

And so he was the first one.

And my parents wanted me out of this relationship, but they knew that I, because I had been so back and forth so many times, they were always there to support, but they knew I had to be the one to be completely done.

They couldn't do it for me.

You can't do it for somebody else, you know?

Yeah, just like you can't have success for somebody else.

They have to be the ones to do it.

They have to have the visions and the dreams and all of that.

And so that's how my parents felt about it.

So when I was like, this is it, they were like, okay, here we are, you know?

They were not in town for it.

I actually had an old pastor and pastor's wife that were very involved and knew what was going on.

And so they knew when it was happening.

Whenever you were getting married, did you have people tell you, don't do it, don't do it?

Yes, I did.

I actually had multiple people.

And I think I was just so, well, first off, I lost my virginity to him.

And I knew I was in ministry then, and I think I was so ashamed because I didn't want to let anybody in.

I think if I would have had somebody, a mentor that would have been open and would have been like, hey, there's no shame.

You know what I mean?

This is the full scenario of what's going on.

So because we were engaged, I felt like I couldn't back out.

I felt like if I back out, I'm a failure.

I've already sinned.

Yes, I actually had even pastoral people that were like, I don't think this is right.

Like they saw flags and I would just always be like, oh, it's because, you know, he's broken or something, or I can fix him or, you know, this or that.

And so, and I was young.

I'm not saying getting married at 21 is bad or 20 is bad.

I'm just saying that my mentally, I was not ready, you know, for marriage completely.

That would be something.

I would not take it back, of course, but because it's made me who I am now.

But when I talk to people now and other women and people, I love him and all this stuff.

And I'm like, okay, but have you looked at this, this, this and this?

Well, no.

Okay, you need to look at this, this, this and this.

You know what I mean?

Because love is just a feeling.

It goes away.

Like, and when it goes away and you don't love that person, what's there?

What's left?

You know, do you have a friendship?

Do you have stability?

Do you have honesty with each other?

Do you have patience?

Is he kind?

Like, take away love.

If I would have taken away love out of it and looked at those things, then it would have been like, what was I thinking moments?

But all I can do is say, hey, I can see him now.

You know, but then I didn't.

And I was just curious, like, because I know you, in those moments, you felt weird.

So more than likely, the people around you who are close to you probably felt weird, too.

Interesting.

Even if you weren't talking about it, even if you were saying, hey, we just had sex, and I didn't want to.

But we went ahead and did it, even though I wanted to wait till marriage.

But you know, like, you have that internal battle going on in your head, and it feels weird to you.

And then the people outside, typically, if they're good enough friends, and we have like a good support system, they're like, it kind of feels weird for me too, you know?

And you have to have a good support system.

And that's something that is so important to me now, is looking back, it's like I had people in my life, but I was so scared of being judged and so afraid of like letting people down that I felt like I couldn't authentically be myself in those positions.

So when I got stuck in that position of like, hey, I had sex and now that's what he wants and I feel ashamed and I don't know how to deal with these emotions, so I'm just gonna keep doing it, because dude, it feels great, of course.

Everybody, you enjoy sex.

Like it does.

Like I'm not gonna say my first experience sucked, you know?

No, it didn't.

I enjoyed it very much.

But because I felt all those emotions and everything like that, I didn't know how to process them mentally and I didn't have anybody there to like help me out with that, except for the person I was doing it with, you know?

And of course, they're not gonna say no.

Then it's like, that's why I want now to help be that support from somebody else.

Like if somebody else is going through that, whether you're in church or not in church or whatever your situation may be, it's like have something to talk to.

Talk to an adult.

Talk to somebody older than you that has wisdom behind it instead of just with your friends, you know what I mean?

And that's a conversation I had this morning.

That's why you have people in your life that are a little bit older and have gone through things.

So you can talk to them and be like, hey, I'm going through this situation.

Have you been through this?

Yeah, this perspective.

Why go through the same thing somebody else has been through when you can have their perspective on it?

I think that's just wisdom.

You have to have that wisdom.

And your willingness to share gives other people the ability to learn from the wisdom.

Because you could go through this, and we'd be like, man, we're so grateful you're no longer in that situation.

And you get to live a better life, and your daughter gets to live a better life.

But then once you get to that point where you're sharing it and building those people up, then you're changing the world.

You can change the world by being a healthy person.

But then once you start sharing that wisdom and articulating what is going on in other people's lives, I find your story about...

It's funny because I recently had Santiago on, recording with him, and we were talking about sex too.

But I think it's important to talk about that in this story though, because that was...

It's an example of a principle you had made, right?

And it's not like...

We could put whatever principle in, you know?

Maybe someone doesn't agree about sex.

It's like, okay, well, look at a different principle.

And whenever you find yourself conceding on your principles and changing them so that you can maintain the semblance of what seems to be a relationship, red flag.

Oh yeah, definitely.

And there's other principles.

I mean, sex was just the first one, you know what I mean?

But even when it came down to watching porn, you want to watch porn, and I didn't.

I didn't believe that it was correct to watch porn in our marriage.

And everybody believes differently, and that's on them.

But if there's those things in your marriage that you don't agree with or in your relationship that you guys are colliding on, it's like, those are flags, you know?

Even like, he would go out to like, I remember he was the best man at a wedding and didn't even tell me, and I wasn't even invited, because he was embarrassed of me, because my morals were, I didn't want to get drunk and be crazy and like all this stuff, but he did, so because he wanted to go out and have good times and have fun, he just went and invite me.

So like, we had two different friend groups.

That's a huge red flag right there.

The fact that like, he would go and hang out and be, you know, gone all weekend partying, and I was at home with our child, that's major red flags.

So like, you know, it doesn't even, like you're saying, it doesn't even, it has to be those principles of like, where are you at in your life?

You know, like, I would love to, I want to travel, I want to have experiences.

He didn't like to, he'd rather work and stay home.

You know, like, it's just things like that.

Like, who are you, you know, you gotta watch what you're picking, you know?

Pay attention to your picker.

Even when they say sometimes your pickers are broke.

Like, make sure you're, make sure you're watching what you're picking in life.

What are your top five that like, this has to happen?

You know what I mean?

Besides looks.

Take looks out of it.

You have to take looks out.

You have to be like, these are personality traits.

If you want to have children or not, you know, like things like that, like you have to make sure you look at your, like what do you want?

And then what does this person want?

Are they meshing or are they dividing, you know?

And because a big red flag too is like, if you want children, and they don't want children, but you love them, what happens if you get pregnant?

Like, are they going to say, go get an abortion because I don't want children?

Or is it going to be like, okay, well, let's have this child because you want it, and now there's resentment because you have a child.

Like, it's like things like that, that you got to make sure that like, you know, you figure those things out and don't pick that then, you know?

There's more fish in the sea.

Being willing to navigate all of that.

And you may have this person who has the perfect eye color, and their eyebrows are so nice, and they're so pretty, and they're funny, but they just don't want to do blank.

But that's non-negotiable for you.

So, time to wrap it up and move on to the next one.

What do you think your story would have been like had you not had your daughter?

If I wouldn't have gotten, so we were married for six months.

I got pregnant when we were married for six months.

I was on birth control, so she was meant to be.

You know, she was definitely, God brought her here.

I think if I wouldn't have had her, then I would have left a long time ago, for sure.

Just because I think that a lot of women, like if you look at it, a lot of women stay because of the children.

They don't want broken homes.

But because they don't want a broken home, they create broken children.

And that right there, I think I gave myself goosebumps on that one.

But and that's something that will haunt you.

And I have to say that alone right there was probably one of the biggest things I had to heal from.

What is that statement is the fact that because I didn't want a broken home for my daughter, I created I broke her.

You know, I created trauma in her life.

I created and not a Christian godly man in her life.

She doesn't know how to fight right.

She doesn't know how you know what I mean?

Anger, just things like that.

Like I brought those things into her life when I could have guarded and shield her shielded her from those things.

I brought those into her life.

And that's a whole process I had to go through.

I think that was the hardest part was learning to forgive myself for bringing those things into our lives.

And then also the moment when I had to sit down and ask for my child for forgiveness for bringing those things in into her life, because she remembers all them and she knows them, you know, and that's something that, yeah, that was the hardest thing that I had to go through was that with her.

So, yeah.

And people want to change when they want to change.

You can't change them.

That's something that I had to learn too.

And we're still learning that, you know, you can't change somebody.

They have to do it for themselves.

They can't do it for their child.

They can't do it for you.

They can't do it for the dog.

Like they have to be the ones who want to ultimately change.

They won't even do it because a lawyer tells them to do it.

I'll throw that out there too.

You know, they won't change because a lawyer says it.

You have to change because you want to change.

And that's something that is a big principle and a big thing that like, I'm even having to teach my daughter.

You can't change your dad.

He has to change.

Like he, and if he never changes, that's who he is.

And you have to learn to love him the way he is and have the relationship the way you want to have the relationship with him.

The way he is, which is a whole nother story for a whole nother time to, you know, is going through that with your children.

One.

Let me think here.

We're going to have to have you back on because I want to talk about like the redemption side.

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, because I know whenever you said at the the breaking moment was seeing that your daughter was in the closet, hiding for fear.

Right.

Oh, my gosh.

This is not this is affecting her.

So part of my brain was also thinking that it gives you a reason to stick around because you want to provide.

Like you said, you don't want to break the home.

And at the same time, it could also give you the reason to be like, you know what?

This is not only affecting me.

It's affecting her like you did.

I'm out of here.

It was a very tough decision to make.

It was a lot of guilt, too.

You deal with a lot of guilt because it's like, I'm breaking us up.

I'm taking her away from her dad, you know, like, and then you have people on the outside looking in that are like, you're taking her away and you're a bad mom because you're doing this.

And now I can't see her.

And like it turns into like a lot of emotions, you know?

And that's why I, for me personally, it was like, OK, I need just a couple of people on my side that are going to be in that are going to be there being like, No, this is your boundary.

This is your boundary.

You can't live like this for the rest of your life.

I had a woman ask me, you know, she was like, you know, Krista, if he never changed, if this is how your marriage would be, if this is how your life would be until the day you died, was this what you want?

And I remember looking at her and being like, No, like instantly.

No, I would never marry.

I don't want to marry that man.

I don't want to live life like this.

And she's like, Well, then why are you living in?

And I just was like, Why?

Like, why am I torturing myself?

Like, why am I going through all of this for somebody who ultimately doesn't know the right version of love?

You know, and I tell that to my daughter all the time, there's different versions of love.

Like, there can be good love and there can be bad love.

And your dad and I had a toxic love.

And that's what it was.

Not that you weren't created out of love.

It's not that I've never loved your dad.

You know, I will always have, you always have that little piece because we created you.

But it was not the correct type of love that you, it's not eternal love.

It's not Jesus love.

It's not the love that's in the movies you see.

Like, it's not the love that's respectful.

You know, and so to me, it was like, so I tell her that all the time, you know, you got to look at that.

Even now, when you start dating, you start liking boys, what kind of love are they giving you?

Like, what are they portraying?

You know, you got to think about that.

Is this person, you know, love is patient, love is kind, it's gentle.

Like, start plugging in that person's name.

Like, is Frank gentle?

Is he kind?

Is he sincere?

Is he patient?

But if he's not, then is that really love?

You know, so like it took, I think the reality of having people in my life that were like, threw it back on me, you know, like, because they couldn't move me out, they couldn't do it for me, because then I would always run back, you know, so it was like, I had to be the one to mentally make the decision of, no, I'm going to do it.

You know, if I have to shop at Dollar General for the rest of my life because I can't afford groceries, I'm getting out.

Like, I got to that point, the desperate point, you know, Section 8 living, here we come if we have to, you know, like, and I did live like that, honestly, with my daughter.

She could tell you, you know, we did, we did struggle.

We did lose our electricity at times.

We did, you know, get eviction notices.

I did have to call my parents to bail me out because, you know, I wasn't getting child support, and he wouldn't help because that was control.

You know, if he gave me money, then he felt like he was controlling me.

He still had part of me, so I couldn't ask for money, you know, things like that that people don't know and never really saw, or they saw but they didn't want to see it, you know?

Just things like that.

It was just like, man, I don't want to be in this situation where I would rather suffer knowing that I'm healing and figuring it out versus staying somewhere where I feel like I don't want to live another day, you know?

Because I was super suicidal, super suicidal, you know, and depressed and emotional, and I'd gain weight, lose weight, you know, because that was a whole other thing, you know, I wasn't skinny enough, I was too fat, and then I was too skinny, so you need to get fatter, you know?

Like, it was all of that, all of the emotions, you know?

So, yeah, just going through all of that.

You had to get to, I had to get to that pit moment where I was like, no more, man, I'm gonna start clawing out.

And literally, you, it's clawing out.

It's not climbing out, you're literally dirt under the fingernails, digging, clawing your way out when you get to that pit moment.

It's the best way to explain it, I think.

Did you recognize the suicidal thoughts building whenever the fear and tension and anxiety of having this dangerous relationship would build?

When did that come about in the relationship?

The suicidal thoughts and the depression and all that happened probably the last time he had his biggest affair.

It was with two different women, so there's three of us at one time.

He had been having an affair for about five years.

One of the women had found out where we lived and was showing up at the house.

And at that point, when my daughter met her, because she answered the door, it was like, oh my gosh, this is happening.

And I remember at that moment, just being like, I can't believe I'm doing this.

I cannot believe.

And then when I confronted him, for him to be like, oh, she's crazy, oh, she's this, like the other woman, to pin us all against each other.

And I remember at that point, I was like, this is dumb.

Like, get out.

And I kicked him out at that point.

And when I kicked him out, I was like, we'll never be together ever again.

Get out of this house.

I don't want you.

I don't love you.

We'll never be together.

I remember I wrote him a letter.

And we sat down in front of the pastor and pastor's wife, and I wrote him a letter.

And I was like, in the letter, I gave it to him.

So I don't even have it anymore.

And I was just like, I don't want you anymore.

Like, anything.

I don't love you.

I'm cut off.

Like, I emotionally, all of it.

And I remember in that moment just being like, you can try as much as you want, but you will never be back with me.

And from that moment, and that was my birthday weekend, actually.

And so that was like end of January, I think it was beginning of February, all the way until June.

So it was a good like, what, five months there, I think it was.

I was just at that point, that's when I became crazy.

I say crazy as in like, I was, what, 32 years old, and I'd always had him around, and I was like, I'm done.

So I started partying, I started living it up.

I had one night stand, I, you know, was dating, I don't say dating, but I was hooking up with a younger guy.

I was just like, this is what I'm going to do.

Like if he can do it, and everybody's okay with it, then why can't I do it?

Why do I have to, why is it that I might expectation line is here, and his is here, you know?

And at that point, that's when I just went off the deep end, you know, and made friends with people that were like, yeah, like we're partying, you know, like, here I was doing the living it up.

And then I went to Houston to visit my sister.

And I remember being there, and I was reading this book, secular book, and it was, I think it's called You're Really Not That Into Him, or something like that.

And I read this book, and I was like, wow, like, what am I doing?

Like, what am I showing my daughter right now?

Like, I hit her from it.

Like, she had no idea I was doing half of that stuff, you know what I mean?

But I, because I would never bring her along for it, or when she'd be staying at her dad's or grandparents or whatever, that's when I went out, you know?

Like, I didn't do it in front of her.

But still, it was just like, man, what am I doing?

This is not Karista.

This is not who I am.

Like, I know my purpose.

I know where I'm supposed to be.

Like, I have more to live for.

And I remember coming back from that Houston trip and just being like, I'm done.

Like, this is not, this is it.

And I went back to church.

I got in therapy.

And then that's when I laid it all at the altar, and I was like, I'm done.

Like, you know, like, I can't be running anymore.

Like, I'm all in.

I got rebaptized.

Everything like that.

And then that's when I let him back in for the last time.

And I remember he came back back in for the last time.

But during that six month period, he had suffered so much, and I enjoyed it.

I loved that he suffered, you know?

And that's really bad to say, but I think it's honest and wrong.

I loved it.

I love the fact that he wasn't seeing his child as much.

I love the fact that I was in the best shape of my life, and he couldn't have this.

I loved that I was with a younger man, and you're not the only man I've ever had now.

Like, now I have stacks the way you have stacks.

Like, I became really bitter, and I think that's when I started getting this anger mentality of like, no, like this, this, this, and this.

So I went back to church, and I was like, I can't do it anymore, because I had hit that peak.

You know, I, the peak for me, I don't talk about this very much, but the peak for me was that one night stand.

I went out and partied with a friend of mine, and she wasn't a Christian then either.

And we went out and partied, and somebody put some of my drink, and I remember three days of being sick and everything.

But I remember that one night stand and that walk of shame and driving home and everything, which was really dumb to drive home when I was drunk, so don't do that.

But I remember going home, and I remember just being like, this isn't me.

Like coming back from Houston and then having that moment, just this isn't me.

What am I doing?

You know, like this, thank God, God literally protected me from no unplanned pregnancy, no, you know, no STDs.

Like, and I just did that for four months.

You know, think about people that do this constantly for a long periods of time, you know, took me four or five months to, you know, have that moment of reality.

But I was just like, what am I doing in this moment?

What is the example?

Do I want Ella to go through this?

Do I want her to experience the things that I've experienced?

No, I don't, you know, at all in the shame that I felt from it.

And so when I let him, when I gave it all to God and got rebaptized and did all, and then I let him back in that last time, when I let him back in, I knew we were in trouble because when it came down to being like, if you're really my best friend, and we can have these open conversations, the moment I told him about the last four months, he lost it.

Like I'm talking about lost it on me.

And that's why I say I told him in July, and in August when he tried to kick me out and do the whole laundry thing, he tried to kick me out, I knew I let him back in.

Why did I do that?

That's when I had the moment of, oh crap, why did I just do this?

And it was fight or flight moments from there on.

Like I had to be careful.

Everything I said, everything I did, all of it, because he was such a wild card.

I didn't know what could happen at that point.

What would be your words of advice to someone who finds himself in an abusive relationship right now?

I think it depends on the scenario that they're in, because there's all different forms of abuse.

I talk about, actually, in my book, I think there's six different forms of abuse.

I'm with every single one of them, actually, mine.

And I talk about each individual one.

But I think it's more about looking in, and what is your self-worth?

Like, who are you?

Have you ever looked in to your self-worth?

Who are you?

And is this where you want to be in 10 years?

I think that was really impactful to me.

And was that.

And then also, another thing that hit me, too, was if you get out of this relationship, and in five years, he becomes an amazing man, and gets remarried, and has children, and has everything that you planned with this man and everything, are you okay with that?

Because for me personally, I was so broken and done, and I knew that this was not the person that I wanted to be with, and I knew I had, God had somebody else for me out there.

And because I knew that, it was okay for me.

I knew that if my ex, we would start going to church and be an amazing man, and marry somebody else, and they would be millionaires, and have everything that he's ever wanted, I would be happy for him.

Because I knew the love that we had was not the right kind of love, completely.

And I think it's because I went back so many times, and he said he changed so many different times that for me, I was just like, I don't, even if he would change in five years, I don't want that anymore.

You know?

And I'm okay with that.

And honestly, he's living his best life that he wants to live right now, and I'm happy for him.

I'm glad.

I'm glad you're living the best life you want.

I'm glad you have your company.

I'm glad you have, you know, your boat and toys, and you know, and he's with somebody else, and she treats my daughter right.

And like, I'm happy for you and those things.

You know, of course, there's things I'm not happy about, but you know, but when it comes down to it, that's what it's about.

It's not the lifestyle he lives.

It's just how it impacts our daughter now.

Now it's the co-parenting rule.

Am I or are you okay?

I would tell somebody if you have a child, are you okay with that person never changing?

One, and living in that marriage.

Two, if they would change, are you okay with them changing and moving on and you move on, but you're okay with co-parenting with them?

Or three, is it worth just being miserable?

You know, do you want to live in misery?

I'm sorry, life's too short.

We're not guaranteed tomorrow, you know?

So I don't want to live like it anymore.

Move on.

Move on.

Well said.

I have two questions I want to ask.

I plan to ask you a whole bunch more questions.

Yeah.

But I think, not I think, but what we're going to do is, through your busy schedule, we're going to get you back on, because now you're actually in an incredible marriage, and you two are killing it.

You are full-time ministry.

You are blazing a trail and setting an example for not only your children, but also for everybody who's around you.

And hearing the story and then seeing what they're seeing now, it's like, what?

Yeah.

That's why I'm like, I think that's why I was kind of nervous to do this, was because this is going to be mind-blowing to some people.

And because, I mean, personally, when we met, I don't think you would ever think, whoa, that's what you went through.

And I'm not trying to say I hide it, but I'm just saying like, that's, you know, everybody has their thing, and I don't lead with that.

And that's because I'm not a victim.

I'm not a victim mentality anymore.

You know, when you see me, I'm not like, oh, I'm an abuse survivor.

You know, I shouted on an Instagram, you know, I did.

No, because you know what?

I'm not.

I'm not that victim.

Yeah, I want I want people to have awareness, and I want to help build people, and I want there to be awareness of it.

But I don't do it for show.

I'm not out there like trying to plaster my face on the next billboard.

Like, no, I don't need that.

And that's why I like writing the book for me is very like has been under the table moment because it's like it's not about me.

It's about who can I help change or who can I open up a door for?

You know, so that's why whenever your book is published, you're going to get several people buy your book.

Yeah, because of your story and your willingness to share it, and you don't lead with that.

And I wouldn't have imagined, and that's the beauty of talking to others, is uncovering that and sharing that and wrapping words around it.

Then our imagination and our understanding of the world is expanded, and we can connect to those around us, and we can be the people we're called to be.

I have two questions that I ask everybody.

You ready?

Number one, what is one thing, this will be fun for you, but what is one thing you wish more people knew about you?

Probably that I'm a theater nerd.

I am a huge theater nerd.

I love to go to the theater, like all of it.

I'm a big theater nerd.

And probably that in photography.

I'm a big photography person.

Those are probably the two things that a lot of people probably don't know about me.

And then if there was a billboard that was going to be seen by millions of people, what would you have it say?

I actually brought something with me.

So I have to pull it up on my phone here.

Hold on.

I have this quote that is very inspiring to me, and I actually wanted to read it.

So because I think this is so true, it says, Maybe you're not healing because you're trying to be who you were before the trauma.

That person doesn't exist anymore because there's a new you trying to be born.

Breathe life into that person.

And the reason why I wanted to say that was because so many people try to get back to the old.

You're a new person.

So own your new person.

And that's what I would want my billboard to say, is own the new person that you are.

I'm not the same 21 year old, Krista.

That was shy and dancing on a stage with kids and inner city ministry.

Like I'm not that 21 year old anymore.

You know, I'm this version of me.

You know, I'm a little broken and bruised here and there.

But now I've healed from those things, and now I'm living in the new person that I am.

So be you.

Be the new version of you.

Be you.

Be true.

Be the new version of you.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

This was a blast, and I'm grateful that you shared your story.

I hope that it gives other people the courage to assess theirs, write theirs, potentially even share theirs.

But at the bare minimum, recognize that they have an individual story.

No matter who you are, there's chapters.

There is.

There's chapters, for sure.

Okay.

All right, folks.