#60 - What Does It Take to Be a Great Communicator?

And we are live.

Welcome to the Talk to People Podcast.

My name is Chris Miller, if you've never been here before, this whole entire podcast is us exploring and giving answers to, and me personally trying to figure out how to make the world better at communication.

I think that the world's going to be a better place when we prioritize our social connection and our ability to interact with the people around us, and every area of our life will improve.

If you imagine all of the boats in the Pacific Ocean, and you imagine the ocean rising three feet, all of the boats rise, and in my mind, your ability to communicate is the ocean, and all of the areas of your life from intimate and personal and professional, they will rise.

You will get better at your job if you learn how to become a better communicator.

You will experience less relational strife.

You will have lower levels of depression.

You will feel more confident and more excited about tomorrow.

You will feel more connected with your local community, be that your church community or your local volleyball league or your Pokemon Go crew or your Sip Paint and Sip Pinot's Palette ladies group.

It all will get better when you learn how to communicate and how to get better at communicating.

And the question is, how do we improve at communication?

So the question about this episode or the statement that this episode is going to make, and the question is going to be, okay, I said question, statement, question.

The question is, what does it take to become a better communicator?

And the answer is what we're going to explore in this episode.

I got Sonny the dog right here.

He's like, Dad, you weren't planning on making a podcast today.

And the truth is, I wasn't.

I have a couple client deliverables.

Oh, fancy, smancy that are due today.

But as I was cleaning up this office, I was thinking about something that's been weighing on me today.

And I'm trying to figure out how to figure it all out.

So I figured I should talk to you all about it because you all know a lot and you all know me.

So maybe we could figure it out all together.

The ukulele.

Okay.

Tell me if you recognize this song.

When I find myself in times of...

Whisper words, there will be an answer.

I forget the words.

I should look the words up.

Okay, so human communication is based off the premise that we all are social beings who have an innate wiring to connect with those around us.

Biologically, this is proven, and we can see a whole bunch of different studies that study the brain and study how most of our time is actively thinking about social interactions.

We are either thinking about a social interaction that just happened, thinking about a social interaction that we're currently having, or thinking about a social interaction that we are going to be having.

Many people are stricken with social anxiety or fear of public speaking, and many people consider public speaking to be their largest fear.

Reason being is because public speaking is the equivalent of public embarrassment, and we equate public embarrassment with being removed from our community.

And if we're removed from our community, then we lack means to survive.

And if we lack means to survive, then we die.

So it's a funny, it seems like a slippery slope, and it seems like I'm going a bit too far.

But the truth of the matter is, it makes sense why we are all wired to communicate.

Whenever we come together, come together, what if I know that song?

Come together, right now, over me.

That would be awesome if I knew that song, but I don't know that song.

But what I do know is, you have to actively make a choice to become a better communicator.

And I want to communicate that to you throughout this podcast episode.

Anything that you want to get better at, there are going to be some windfalls, some lucky moments, where you find the four leaf clover and the patch of grass that you're looking at, or you just happen to get a scratcher ticket and you happen to win a lot more than you spent even though the 50 people before you lost money, or you were driving and you accidentally ran a red light and you were lucky enough to not have a cop behind you.

There are lucky breaks and there are lucky moments where we get better at communicating.

We just show up and we do it over and over again, and after a while our brain's like, well, last time I said that to my wife, she got really upset, so I'm probably not going to say that again.

But the level of breakthrough that you can have when you actively commit to becoming a better communicator is where the real magic is.

So you have to commit to becoming a better communicator, and in that commitment, there are a few things that you need to do.

The first thing you need to do is you need to recognize that you as an individual need the people around you to the point of the life that you want to live, the life that is going to be full of purpose and the life where you're really at your capacity.

You're going to have to have people either pushing you or coaching you or people that you can pour into.

You're going to have to have a community of people.

So first realization is one, you need people.

The second realization is everybody has value.

In our Western culture, this is almost a...

Oftentimes, we take this for granted.

You know, we have our inalienable rights.

We the people, we have all of these founding documents that put together this structure of human value.

But that's not the case everywhere.

But if you want to be a great communicator, you have to come to the realization that everybody has human value.

Everybody has value.

And we all are able to contribute something.

If you are not six, seven, and you can't jump really high, then you may not be the person who's going to be showing off the slam dunk highlights.

But you may be super good at chess, or you may be really good at being able to garden.

And those are like talents and tactics.

But in conversation, you're going to be able to contribute something unique, because inside of you, you have a unique curiosity and fascination with the world.

And this is really where I'm fascinated by, like whenever I say we all have value, and everybody has value, we all have something valuable to contribute to conversation, because we're all fascinated and curious about different things.

And the best questions are typically ones that satiate curiosity.

And you can do that by either asking the question that just pops up in your head that you really want to know the answer to, or you can put together and fashion a question that will pique people's curiosity after you ask the question.

Sean Evans on Hot Ones is really good at this.

He will ask questions that I'm not even thinking of, but after I hear him asking the question, I'm immediately curious about the answer.

Because he puts together something, the question communicates to me that I actually don't know the answer, and then that gap of my lack of knowledge is what drives my curiosity.

So you can either ask questions out of your curiosity, or you can either put together and manufacture a question that creates curiosity.

The first thing is that we need people.

The second thing is that we all have value, and we all have something to bring to the table.

And then the third thing is that we have to put time and effort into becoming a better communicator and being better at connecting with those around us.

For instance, whenever you leave conversation, I encourage you to reflect on moments of conversation and ask yourself how it went.

How do you feel?

How did it seem like the other person felt?

Was there something you said that felt weird?

And why did it feel weird?

And did it make the other person feel weird?

And we can go overboard with this.

We can do what we call social rumination, where you think obsessively about a certain instance in time, and then you try and cross examine it and back engineer it and create a new reality, but you can't do that because you're not Dr.

Strange and you don't have the ability to look into the future or go back and augment the past.

So we can go overboard with this, but what I'm encouraging is just a little bit of thought and analysis of certain conversations you're having.

And I'm not saying every conversation, so you may be asking, well, what conversations should I analyze?

And the question is, it depends, or the answer is, it depends.

And what it depends on is what you're wanting to get better at.

If you're wanting to become a better communicator at the place that you work.

So imagine you own your own company and it's a client.

Well, it has to be client facing, right?

So you have clients, and your clients come into a brick and mortar shop, and you're selling frisbees.

Well, if you're really interested in your business growth, then you're probably really interested in being able to sell some frisbees to clients or to customers.

And you probably are thinking about the moment a customer steps in that door, all the way up to the moment that customer leaves.

That is the moment that matters the most.

That is the moment that's going to optimize who you want to most connect with.

You want to most connect with the people buying frisbees.

So I encourage you to assess and analyze those moments.

Now, after you have a little bit of base level analysis of like, okay, you've taken stock of different conversations, you're going to notice there are going to be some areas where you're talking with someone and you find gaps.

You find areas where you don't feel like you rose to the occasion.

For instance, if people keep walking in and it doesn't seem like you have a good conversation starter, or whenever they ask questions, it seems as if you just answer the question and it always stops there, even if the person looks like they're willing to talk more.

Or maybe you have a hard time being able to read someone's nonverbal language to know whether or not they're willing to talk more.

So you're going to be able to take stock about some of these things, and then you just have to focus on one of them.

If it's nonverbal, like, look it up.

On YouTube, there is so much content out there about nonverbal body language.

And sometimes I'm not too crazy about behavior like nonverbal analysis because I think oftentimes it could be like, oh, Chris is walking that way because he is contemplating deception, and he's about to deceive his dog into believing that he doesn't actually have a treat in his pocket.

Really, I'm just walking that way because I hurt my leg at soccer.

But there are, across the cultures, different things or different body language expressions, different postures, different faces that people make that are fairly consistent across the board.

And these things mean certain things.

So it would be good to know them.

Similar with your tone.

Whenever you're talking with a buddy, you may get loud, and you may be talking really stern, but with someone you don't know, that's not the most advisable thing, right?

So looking into, watching conversation, watching sitcoms.

Sitcoms are really good at this.

A lot of people who are moving to countries will watch sitcoms native to that area.

That way they can understand pacing.

That way they can understand punctuation, what to enunciate, how to emphasize certain things, especially humor.

That way they can understand humor.

All of these different areas that you can learn from.

And over time, you're going to find people who you admire and who you find communicate well.

And then you just learn from them.

You watch them.

You mentally note things they did that stuck out to you.

And you don't have to copy them word for word.

I wouldn't recommend it for the most part, but there may be moments where they have a good question or they answer a question in a really good way that you can copy word for word.

But what you're learning from them is how they navigate the social world.

Imagine learning how to drive.

And if someone's driving you to a certain area and they're a really good driver, you can learn from how they pass other people and how they slow down without it seeming like a big jerk or how they speed up without slamming people's backs into the seat.

And you can implement their driving style without copying like, oh, they took a left here, they took a right here, they took a left here, they slowed down, they went in the right lane.

Because you may not be going where they're going, but you can still learn how they drove.

So same thing with communication.

You can learn from your favorite communicators.

Many people don't even have a list of favorite communicators.

The fact that we're even having a conversation that's saying, who's your favorite communicators, is a big gesture that we're on the right track.

Why is this important?

The reason it's important is everything is going to be improved.

Everything's going to get better.

Can I say everything dumb?

No, I can't say everything.

If you're struggling, actually, the stock market, will the stock market get better if you become a better communicator?

I guess not everything.

Personally, will everything become better?

If you have termites in your house, will that get better if you become a better communicator?

Well, you'll be able to talk to Pest Control better, and you'll be able to express your thoughts, and you'll be able to express with your significant other that it's really stressing you out, or your boss, how you need some extra money.

That way, you can get rid of the termites, or your neighbor.

You'll be able to better ask them how you can have a place on their couch because you need to move in because your house has termites, right?

So it helps your means.

It improves your means.

The termites are in your house, but the means in dealing with the termites will be improved.

Your relationship may not be doing well, but the means to improve your relationship will be improved.

You're not happy at work.

Well, now you have a greater ability to improve your happiness at where you work.

So this is a tool, and I strongly encourage that you make the decision to sharpen this tool, to become better at using this tool, and then to encourage others to do the same.

There's a lot of content out there that's talking about being articulate.

I've seen a lot of it on YouTube.

If someone sits down, talks to a camera about being articulate, and they have over a million views.

Now, I've been making content on YouTube, and I just made a video yesterday, and the video has not been doing well, which is kind of a brain warp.

It's hard to not equate what you're doing with the numerical reception it gets online, the analytics.

But I've seen a lot of these videos about articulation here.

Here's how to sound articulate.

And we all want to articulate well, but we have to figure out why that is.

Why do we want to articulate well?

Is it because we want to sound like Brad Pitt in the movies?

Is it because we feel like people aren't listening to us?

Is it because we feel like most leaders or most people that have great reputations articulate themselves well?

And I think we need to assess, like everybody who's watching these videos, how to become more articulate.

That'd be a really good question.

Like, well, why do you even want to become more articulate?

There are a lot of people who don't communicate well, but they're still getting a paycheck.

Or there are a lot of people who aren't articulate, but they're still getting a paycheck, they still have a place to live, they still have gas in their car, they still eat a meal, they still have clothes to wear, they have a family, they have goals and dreams.

So I think that would be a really good question is why.

What is your why behind this?

And my why is I've been given, and at times it's a curse because I feel like I'm not spending my time well enough, but this conviction that life is better when you talk to people and that our society will be a better place if we prioritize our ability to connect with those around us.

But the question I want you to ask yourself, is are you willing to commit to being a better communicator?

And if you are, what action results from that?

How are you going to adjust your day to day life?

Are you going to implement something?

Are you going to take something away?

Are you going to improve or increase the amount of interaction you have on a daily basis?

Are you going to start reading books about the power of connecting with others?

I'll give you three right now.

I'm reading The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker.

I just finished Together by Vivek Murthy.

And then I'm about to read this book.

What is it called?

The Power of Community.

Let's see if I got this right.

The Power of Community.

You know, I didn't get it right.

It's not The Power of Community.

The Art of Community by Charles Vogel.

Those are three books that you can get.

Together, The Art of Gathering, The Art of Community, which are going to make you reflect more.

Are you going to start watching YouTube videos about it?

Are you going to start listening to more podcasts about it?

In addition to mine, what are you going to do to become a better communicator?

Because I'd love for you to make that decision, and I hope it really improves your life.

Let me quickly play you a song.

Hey, thanks for being around the podcast.

Thanks for listening to the podcast.

Thanks for supporting the podcast.

I am grateful to have you here.

I am grateful to be creating, and I look forward to growing in my ability to connect with the people all around us alongside you.

As always, if you've enjoyed this podcast, I'd love to hear from you.

If you go to talktopeoplepodcast.com, there's an opportunity to leave a voicemail.

I'd love to hear from you, get some stories, get your questions, just hear from you in general.

Anything you send in, maybe I'll feature on the podcast, and then share it with a friend that...

I don't know if anybody's ever actually shared with a friend.

I'm sure some people have, but whenever people do a call to action, like share with a friend, I think it goes without saying, if we hear something that we believe could help a friend out specifically, then it's up to us to share it.

It's almost like an obligation.

You should share it.

And I'm not saying you should share this episode of this podcast.

I'm just saying, if you know of a resource, especially a free resource, that acutely could improve or address an area in somebody's life that's close to you and that matters to you, then you have obligation to share it.

So it goes without saying, share it with someone who you think could enjoy it, but the reminder could be good.

Okay, with all that being said, thanks folks, and we'll see you next time.