#62 - Ten Rules to Share Your Thoughts Confidently

Welcome to the Talk to People Podcast.

You are officially live, but I'm not by myself today, am I?

I have Annie, my lovely wife, who is hopping on this episode.

We are actually cramming a little bit.

It's Sunday night, and about eight hours prior to when this goes live.

So.

It's past our bedtime.

It's essentially past our bedtime, but we did eat a late dinner.

Yeah, true.

So we had to stay up anyway.

So we had to stay up, so we thought we may as well talk about the top 10 rules to speak confidently.

What was that?

You have something on your arm.

I got something on my arm.

Oh yeah.

That's part of the headphones.

So.

Oh.

We were late today, and the video, no cameras are rolling, rather.

It's just us on the audio.

But what we do have, we don't have the video, but what we do have is 10 different rules.

And this episode is going to be packed with value because our goal is to go through these 10 rules.

And by the end of these 10 rules, you will better be able to turn your thoughts into words.

A little preface here.

I had done a few different polls on social media and got about, let's say, 30 different answers.

One of the things that surprised me was out of the options of delivering effective presentations, starting conversation, speaking clearly, and being able to confidently express your thoughts, the majority of people wanted confidence.

So the majority voted, help me develop, or help me share my thoughts more confidently.

So then yesterday, I took some time while you were playing pickleball to come up with this guide.

And I'm going to lay the groundwork real quick, and then we are going to go through the 10 rules.

So before we get started, Isaac Newton, he discovered the law of gravity.

Einstein found the theory of relativity.

And here's the laws of communication.

You want to read them?

I think you should go for it.

I'll read one.

Well, ping pong, yeah.

Okay.

Rule one is that communication is essential to the human experience.

Number two, being able to confidently articulate your thoughts will change your life.

The third law of communication is that communication may provoke anxiety because it's unpredictable.

Fourth one, consistent practice and education will improve your experience.

So just like knowing the laws of physics will ensure that you don't get hurt falling off a cliff because you didn't know about the law of gravity, knowing about the laws of communication will help you turn your thoughts into words.

So the first rule towards confident communication is that you have to start with a goal.

Your communication is going to be limited by your preparation.

Oftentimes, we don't think about this.

We see people who are really good at articulating their thoughts, but typically they've thought about their target.

Turning your thoughts into words is just like shooting an arrow at a target.

So you have to know what you're aiming at.

So here's some goals that you could have.

One goal is to inform.

Say you have an informative presentation, and you want to add information that is new to the other person.

For instance, if you're working for a company, and you are going to be partnering with a new CRM, what is that, Client Relationship Management?

Customer Relationship Management.

Customer Relationship Management platform, and you want to tell your team who's not going to be directly working with the software, but you're going to be working with it about the software because it doesn't affect them directly, technically, because they're not working on the software, but it will.

So that's an informative presentation.

Persuade is another goal you could have, and this is to get the person to change their mind.

This is something that you see often in church, in nonprofits, in the business setting.

To entertain, think about the stand-up comic.

Think about the TV star.

This is to bring levity fun or jest to someone.

Introduce.

Maybe you're meeting someone for the first time.

What are other goals?

You mentioned one yesterday.

Oh, maintain.

Yeah, I was thinking about...

I definitely agree about having a goal and the importance of that driving your communication.

But I also thought, okay, a lot of the communication that we do is to maintain, whether that's maintaining a friendship, a family relationship, and those are oftentimes, I think, the instances where your brain is so automatic, so you might not be intentionally thinking of a goal.

But it's good to keep yourself in check, even when you're maintaining.

Yeah, because we don't think about maintenance.

Sometimes I think we do, but probably in our closest relationships, we don't have to think about it that much.

And once you know your goal, you can judge whether or not you hit bullseye or whether you missed.

So practically, this looks like my goal with my presentation is blank and setting up a goal before you start even prepping your presentation.

Or I'm approaching this person because I think they're cute and I want to meet them.

Is that what you thought about me?

Yes, and funny enough, if you listen to the first episode of this podcast, Annie credited herself with approaching me.

Yeah, actually, take that back.

You didn't think that I thought that about you, so that's why we're here today.

Well, it's too late to be taken back because actually, if you go back and you listen to the first episode, we uncover the receipts to learn that the narrative was false and that I was.

Sounds like the Real Housewives.

I have the receipts.

We had the receipts.

These are great examples, Chris.

Start with a goal.

Start with a goal.

The last being, I'm hoping that this conversation will help my boss know why I deserve a raise.

Man, that's an important one.

That is an important one.

Okay, number two, you're saying?

Yeah.

No, I'm excited for number two.

You want me to do it?

Yeah.

Okay, number two.

Oh, no, you advanced.

Have a why.

Pull the layer back behind the goal.

So in tandem with a goal, it's important to think about the purpose.

You need to have a reason for that goal, a reason you're talking to that certain person, and being aware of your why is going to help shape your interactions.

So a few questions to think about when you're considering your purpose and your why in terms of communication.

First is personnel.

So why am I talking to this specific person?

That's a really great one.

Audience, right?

As a frame for what you're going to say and why you're going to say it.

Outcome, why do I want this specific outcome?

Improve, why am I wanting to get better socially?

And urgency, why now and why not tomorrow or next week?

Those are some really good things to consider in terms of your why.

I think all of them are really critical.

And this is definitely an intentional active process that you have to kind of take pause sometimes, which can be hard because social interactions happen so fast.

But it's good to keep all these in mind.

When you think about the why, think about the purpose, why you have a goal, why you're saying what you're saying or doing what you're doing.

One thing, Chris, that you pointed out is that this gives you the fuel to endure social awkwardness and anxiety.

Oh, boy, I experienced that a lot.

And going back to the why, it's the Simon Sinek.

Why will drive you.

If it feels bad, if it doesn't feel natural, you have to go back to your why and your purpose.

And this is going to help you a ton with communication.

So practically, this looks like you have your goal of...

My goal with this presentation is to inform my coworkers of this new software.

But the why behind that practically would look like I want to inform my team about this new software because I want them to feel included on this new transition we're making as a company because when they feel included, our morale is higher.

So even if you're dealing with social anxiety or awkwardness while you're giving this presentation, you know that the purpose is important.

Another practical way this would look like would not only your goal is to talk to your boss to get a raise, but the why behind that is because you're feeling financial pressure and you know that the presence of a raise would open up some creative freedom for you.

Another practical one would be I'm approaching this person because I think they're cute, but also because I've been dealing with loneliness since my move from Oklahoma to North Carolina.

Good one.

Have a why.

Have a why.

Rule two.

Rule three.

Fear the right thing.

Don't get in your own way before you even start.

A lot of us use our social energy thinking about what could go wrong.

And this is a major pitfall.

Rather than thinking about what could go wrong, we need to be thinking about what could go well.

So here are four fears you should unsubscribe from.

The first fear is awkwardness.

To be awkward is to be human.

The second fear is stuttering or falling upon your words.

Our brains can be faster than our mouths, and the people who are listening are going to be much more forgiving than you expect.

The third is pauses.

Silence can communicate better than words.

The fourth is embarrassment.

The sting is temporary, but the growth is not.

Here's what you should actually fear.

The first is that the person you're speaking to believes you're not even present, you're preoccupied, or you're not focused on them.

Your goal is to make them feel like they're the only person in the room.

The second, you should fear that your message wasn't helpful and that you actually didn't add value to them, or you didn't ensure that they were valued.

I feel like the best communicators are ones that can encourage the people they're talking to, and we need to ensure that we are adding value.

The third fear is incoherence.

Your structure is complicated.

You start saying one thing, and then you go to something else.

And the last is overwhelming.

You do not want to overwhelm the person you're talking to because you're not keeping your message simple.

Whenever you make value and focus your priority, this will turn awkwardness into an afterthought and no longer a fear.

I really like this, especially because specifically the fears you should unsubscribe from, awkwardness, stuttering, pauses, and embarrassment.

I was with a family the other day at work, and I was walking along on campus, and I tripped on the sidewalk.

I didn't hear about this.

Oh, yeah, it wasn't a major trip.

I didn't hit the deck or anything.

I just was like, whoa, jeesh, or something like that.

Did they check in on you?

They were like, not really.

You know what, I think they were saving face for me, and they just kept on rolling.

But to me, it's like, this is why Bridget Jones is such a likable character, because we can all relate to being awkward and stuttering, and oftentimes, if you trip over your own words, other people don't notice.

You will, but other people don't, so anyhow.

And I think it's important to note, like, there are gonna be times where you're not focused.

There are also going to be times where you don't add value.

Nobody bats 1,000, so just keep moving forward.

So good.

Rule four, make room for thought.

You are not in a movie, and there won't be a perfect script.

I wanted to make this rule because a lot of us watch movies, me included, and we think, I want to sound that smart and witty.

But then the movie ends, and we no longer have that inspiration.

But while we're watching the movie, for instance, in Batman, Bane always says the coolest things.

And I think, wow, maybe I don't want to talk or sound like Bane, but I want to have that intentional impact with each word.

Isn't Bane the villain?

He is the villain.

And I think he has one of the best sets of movie lines out of any movie.

I just was listening about the writing of some of those lines.

Okay, sorry, go ahead.

So three lies we tend to believe.

We believe that Leonardo DiCaprio is always a charmer and always has the right thing to say.

But I've seen some pictures from TMZ, which would prove otherwise.

The second lie we tend to believe is Meryl Streep knows the best thing to say, and she knows the best time to say a perfect one-liner.

The third is that John Wayne's tone of voice is unshakable and timely.

All of these people are movie stars.

But unfortunately, there's a pre-written script.

And the ways that this hurts us is, one, we feel worse about ourselves since we don't know what to say.

Two, we avoid saying things that don't sound punchy or perfect.

And three, we give ourselves less room to explore in the moment.

What's the bottom line, Annie?

Give yourself grace.

No one will be in your ear with your next line.

You're not bad.

You're human.

You felt that way, right?

Oh, heck yeah.

All the time.

Probably this morning.

Church.

Oh, yeah.

You know, I felt that way.

I feel rusty socially.

I was giving.

We were on prayer team this morning.

Oh, yeah.

And there was a big prayer.

Someone approached us, which so grateful that they had the confidence to walk in front of the church and approach us.

And they had a request.

But then worship ended and the pastor came up and it was like, Oh, my gosh, what do I do?

So what did you say it felt like?

Like they were kicking us off the Oscars.

Where they play the music.

Where they play the music.

I thought you were about to talk about when the people were sharing their prayer requests and I couldn't hear a dang thing.

And so I thought I was trying to read lips and I think I got thank goodness.

I went with the more general prayer, general prayer, but it fit.

You did great.

Okay, be adaptable.

There will always be bumps and bruises.

Humans are unpredictable.

Relationships are hard and emotions are real.

Change is inevitable.

One of the hardest parts about human interaction is that we can't control what's going to happen.

This isn't an AI multi-language model.

Rather, we are humans with free will, and we can say just about anything.

But it's worth it, and here's why.

Number one is that quality relationships are the number one indicator for a happy life.

We talk about that a lot on this podcast.

Number two is how you communicate signals to others, how you think.

And why this is important is because the thoughts that we articulate can change the world.

So there's some consequence to this.

If we want to be adaptable, we're going to have to swallow these four truths.

The first truth is no matter what we say, we may not be able to fix a bad mood.

Yeah.

The second truth is no matter how well we say something, it may not be heard.

The third truth is no matter how careful we are, we may be misinterpreted.

Been there before.

And the fourth truth is no matter how convicted we feel to speak, we may not step up.

You are better off to play the game, win and lose, than live a life alone, unspoken for, and regretful.

That's some good stuff.

Snaps.

Snaps for that.

Sunny's passed out, but we're going to keep rolling.

Yeah, he just huffed.

Sunny huffed.

Rule six, study often.

Hindsight is 20-20.

Someone else's experience is free.

We need to replace I should have done thoughts with next time I will thoughts.

This is going to require three things of you.

Do you know, Manny?

I'll give it a whirl.

People that you admire how they communicate.

So you need to have people you admire in terms of their communication.

That's what you mean.

Second one, a slight case of amnesia for awkward and embarrassing moments.

Yes, that is a requirement.

Three, inability to find patterns in your interactions.

Pattern seeking, you need to know if things keep happening, we need to figure out why.

If you keep having a really hard time exiting conversation, if you keep having a hard time initiating, if you keep running out of questions to ask, if you seem like you are chronically shallow...

Or using lots of fillers.

Using lots of fillers.

Let's get to the bottom of it.

Let's recognize the patterns.

Quick note is whenever you have people who you admire how they communicate, those are your role models.

You pick your role models.

Thankfully in life, we can't pick our family, but we can pick our role models.

And a quick note here is I would recommend you prioritize finding people you can learn from in person.

People who are near you.

If you live in an area with no communication role models, then I'd suggest you move.

But if you can't move, watching people online is good.

It won't be as efficient.

It is efficient, so try your best to find someone local.

I also think there's value.

I think that I give people a lot of material to learn from with my blunders, with my communication blunders.

That's right.

So at the beginning, we had mentioned, hindsight is 20-20, but someone else's experience is free.

So you can study those too, the blunders.

We can study what went wrong.

Oh, yeah.

So things you can learn from others.

Let's start with that.

How do they start conversation?

How do they make a person feel comfortable?

How do they share hard news?

How do they disagree?

How do they respond when they mess up?

Can I add one that I think you and I have different strategies on that I think is fascinating is how do they leave take?

What are their leave taking behaviors and conversation?

How are we different in that?

I think you're more direct, which is not a bad thing.

And I'm more like, well, I'm so glad we got to catch up.

It was so good to see you or something like that.

You'd be like, well, I'm going to slide.

You'll put it on the other person sometimes by saying, I don't want to take too much of your time.

I don't really do that anymore.

But I used to.

Anyhow, study, study.

School's your buddy.

Good job.

Study, study.

School's your buddy.

I had a physiology teacher in 10th grade who always said that.

Oh, I thought you made that up.

That's really cute.

Okay.

Seven.

Actually, he may have been in line with grade.

Rule seven.

Leave your comfort zone.

Your comfort zone is not as helpful as it seems.

Why?

Because your social muscles will grow whenever they're put under stress, just like your physical muscles.

That being said, it's time to exercise.

Here's four ways to get a good social pump in.

The first, cold call a friend or a family member and ask if they have a moment to catch up.

Second, go to your town square, the busiest street in the city, downtown.

Don't sit down until you strike up a conversation with a stranger.

I like that one.

How long of a conversation are we talking?

You need to go three levels deep.

What I mean by that is, hey, hello is one level, how are you is the second level, and there needs to be a third level.

Did you make those levels up?

Oh, I like that.

Okay.

Three levels deep.

Cool.

Okay.

So what's the third thing?

Third thing is volunteer to present first in class, at work, or at a nonprofit you're involved in.

Can I give a hack?

Not a hack, but it always feels better to go first.

Get it out of the way.

Always feels better to go first.

Get it out of the way.

And no standard has been set to compare you against.

Exactly.

And it'll build your confidence.

Rule four, this is something I'd like to do soon.

Host a webinar for a skill that you have and invite people that you respect.

It's a fun one.

Virtually, send them the link, have them give you feedback.

It's a hard one, but I want to do it.

Here's how to know you're actually growing, or in our exercise analogy, here's how to know you're actually getting gains, your workout's actually paying off.

You acknowledge and dismiss self-critical thoughts about your communication.

You don't let them take you down.

You do the thing again, meaning you're willing to cold call a friend again, you're willing to talk to a stranger again, present first again, host a webinar again.

And then you get better at letting others know how valuable they are.

One of our biggest reasons for improving at communication is to better connect to those around you.

And one of the most practical ways to do that is to let those know you're valuable, or they're valuable.

So social muscles, you either use them or you lose them.

Roulette, you got it?

You want me to know your battery?

This is timely.

It's unique, finite, and crucial.

So what we mean by knowing your battery, we're socially charged and depleted in different ways and at different rates.

So social energy that is common amongst all human beings is finite.

We do not have an infinite amount of social energy.

And it can be quite draining to engage in social interactions, but also quite worth it.

So let's talk about how to charge your social battery.

Three things you need to think about in terms of charging your battery.

Setting.

In what social settings do you feel most energized?

Maybe you feel most energized when you're around your family.

Maybe you feel most energized when you are speaking in front of a crowd.

Maybe you feel most energized when you are connecting with peers at work.

The second thing is people.

Who do you feel most energized talking to?

That kind of fits with the examples I gave before.

And then the third thing is content.

What do you feel most energized talking about?

So take time to think about those three things, setting people content in terms of how you can best charge your social battery.

Now, three things to note that your battery is drained.

If you find yourself being consistently preoccupied during a conversation, you feel exhausted and anxious about more interaction.

You notice that you're asking fewer questions and adding zero value.

These are three signals that your battery might be drained.

So you gotta take time to recharge.

Being in conversation when you're socially exhausted is not the best.

And then being alone when you're socially charged and ready to go, that's also not the best.

So find harmony, find balance, find what charges your social battery, find ways they can use your social battery, and give yourself grace once again.

Do you feel like we have similar social battery?

I thought that I was an extrovert until I met you.

You have more of a social battery than I do.

It's different.

It's different.

It's totally, sorry.

It's different.

I think you have more bandwidth and capacity than I do.

Well, I feel like you can talk on the phone much longer than I can.

Yeah.

Huh, maybe.

Okay, roll nine.

Keep it simple.

Failure is doing too much.

We mentioned having a goal, but one of the biggest mistakes and pitfalls is we choose several.

And the hard part about this, hitting one target is much easier than hitting three targets.

Your audience needs to be able to keep up.

Here are three examples of people doing too much.

If you are subscribed to my YouTube channel, I've done analyses on all of these.

The first example is after being the subject of a scathing documentary, Nickelodeon producer Dan Schneider made a video where he was simultaneously apologizing for his acts, but also excusing himself of his acts.

Those two don't fit.

The second is in response to the 2024 State of the Union, Senator Katie Britt gave a stern speech to criticize President Biden while simultaneously joyfully sharing about her mom's dance studio as she was sitting at her kitchen table.

Also too much going on.

The third is myself personally, I have been on what I would call a sales call trying to sell podcast production while simultaneously trying to get the same person to sign up for one-on-one communication consulting.

Maybe they both could add value to the person, but unfortunately I got neither because I was focusing on two instead of one.

The best communicators are those that we can understand.

So keeping your message simple maximizes its effectiveness.

Which brings us to rule 10, the last rule.

And arguably one of the most important, if you can keep the other nine in mind.

And what this is, is so now and reap later.

Specifically, I want you to use your off time to improve your on time.

I want you to implement these tips when you're thinking about them so that you'll remember them when you're not.

This is the example of being on the basketball team and having to shoot free throws at the very end whenever you are incredibly tired.

You don't want to do anything more.

But if you can make the free throws whenever you are exhausted, you're going to be able to make the free throws when you're in the big game.

So here's what we've established so far.

Talking to people is worth it.

Sharing your thoughts is crucial in being fulfilled.

Having a goal in mind will help you be a clear communicator.

It's okay to be awkward, but it's not okay to be distracted.

You won't be as clear and confident when you're socially drained.

It is okay not to know what to say in the moment.

Your growth as a communicator will happen most outside of your comfort zone.

Humans are unpredictable social creatures.

You can learn from each conversation you have and make the next one even better.

That's some good stuff right there.

I'm going to use these tips to carry me through my week.

Which one resounds with you most?

Oh, goodness.

Probably keep it simple.

Know your why.

Oh my goodness, honestly, all of them.

But those two stand out to me, because sometimes I can, I'm even doing it now, I'll qualify things that I say when I don't need to qualify them.

And maybe that's because I'm underprepared, or maybe that's because I'm nervous.

Oftentimes, it's more nervousness than lack of preparation.

And also, maybe I am trying to accomplish too much, and by knowing my why, knowing my goal, that enables me to keep it simple and be a better communicator.

Well, I think you are a splendid communicator, and it was really fun to have you on the podcast.

Thanks, Chris.

You bet.

And we did 30 minutes.

Whoa!

Time to go to bed.

Which means it's time to go to bed.

We will end with a quote from John Powell, where he says, Communication works for those who work at it.

End quote.

So ladies and gentlemen, that is us.

We will continue to work on our communication.