#81 - How to Make Friends After You Move to a New City

Okay, before we hop in, let me quickly say, this episode is a YouTube video that I just published.

For a while, I've been wanting to make this resource.

It's 30 minutes of evidence-backed strategies on how to rebuild and create a new social circle when you move to a new place.

What I've learned is that we overestimate our ability to make friends and our ability to replace our current social circle.

We underestimate how hard it is and how much fulfillment we get from our current friends.

So when we are away from that, it's really tough and we need to plan for that.

So this is a four-step process, a bonus fifth step.

Share this with anybody you know who's about to move, who just recently moved, who's thinking about it.

There are a few visuals in this video.

If you'd like to, you can watch it on YouTube.

Talk to Chris Miller is the YouTube channel.

Be sure to subscribe or you can listen to the podcast on Spotify where there's a video version as well.

Okay.

Remember, life is better when you talk to people.

And let's hop into the episode.

In this video, I'm going to share with you a research-backed strategy on how you can make friends after you move to a new city.

We're going to look at what the science says.

I'm going to share with you one, two, three, four, the four most likely and probable sources of friendship.

Number five, I'm going to share with you, and that's a bonus.

You have to insert effort in all four.

It's going to be at the end, so be sure to stick around for number five.

But number five is going to be the most likely source of high-quality friendship.

So this is an up arrow.

Your best friends, your close friends, most likely going to come from option number five.

One through four, this is percentage-wise, statistically, where you're going to meet the most people.

So we'll be sure to hit both of these so that not only do you have close and best friends, but you also have a healthy social group with friends.

Whenever I was 22 years old, this was my life.

Why was this my life?

Well, let me erase this, and let me show you this picture.

Here I am, 22-year-old Chris.

That's hard to see.

Let me do this.

Hey, there's that handsome devil.

Button up, tie.

Graduating from undergrad.

Here I am.

I got my cap and gown right there in front of my dorm.

I was about to drive 17 hours to go from Oklahoma to North Carolina.

I never been to the ocean.

Now I was going to be by the ocean.

I was going to be right by the mountains.

I was excited, but I was terrified because I knew no one.

I was leaving behind my friends.

I was leaving behind my family, and I knew I was going to experience something, and that was loneliness.

And I'm not alone in this.

If you're watching this video, potentially you're about to make a move.

Maybe you just moved.

Maybe you're just curious about how to generate new friendships, or you found another way here.

But have you found a way here?

I want to let you know that we are all bound to experience loneliness because it's part of the human experience.

It's going to happen.

In 2023, Dr.

Vivek Morthy, the US Surgeon General, released an 82-page advisory.

And he said, the year of 2023, the one health concern we need to focus for the whole entire nation is loneliness.

Let me make sure I'm screen recording over here.

Okay.

He releases this, an 82-page advisory titled, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, subtitle, The US Surgeon General's Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community.

I'm not going to read all 82 pages, but let's read this.

In the scientific literature, I found confirmation of what I was hearing in recent years about one in two adults in America reported experiencing loneliness.

Okay.

He says, Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling.

It harms both individual and societal health.

It's associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death.

The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.

All right.

So loneliness is bad.

Highest elected official for health care is telling us, we need to look at loneliness.

Okay.

But when we're moving, there's a certain type of loneliness that we need to be aware of, and that's called reactive loneliness.

Here's another article, apa.org, the risks of social isolation.

Psychologists are studying how to combat loneliness in those most at risk, such as older adults.

Okay.

So this is looking at loneliness in particular with older adults.

But let's read this.

Loneliness is an experience that has been around since the beginning of time, and we are all going to deal with it.

Loneliness is something everyone deals with us from time to time, and can occur during life transition, such as the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a move to a new place.

This kind of loneliness is referred to by researchers as reactive loneliness.

So a move to a new place.

That's what this video is about.

When we move to a new place, we're reacting to that, we're going to be lonely.

But let's read this.

Problems can arise, however, when an experience of loneliness becomes chronic.

If reactive loneliness is painful, chronic loneliness is torturous.

Chronic loneliness is most likely to set in when individuals either don't have the emotional, mental, or financial resources to get out and satisfy their social needs, or they lack a social circle that can provide these benefits.

So reactive loneliness is expected.

When you move, you're going to leave behind your social support group.

This could be your family, your friends, your church, your volunteer group, your sports group, you name it, whatever your social infrastructure looks like.

When you do that, you can expect to be lonely because you no longer have that social fulfillment.

And we need to address that.

We need to make sure we're thinking about that so that we don't fall into this other bend if we don't have the people and we don't have the support to even go out there and make friends in the first place.

Another thing I want us to be thinking about as we're thinking about making new friends is this concept called relational disposability.

This is the Journal of International Association for Relationship Research.

I actually had the professor, the researcher of this article on my podcast, the Talk to People Podcast, Dr.

Omri Galat, where he talks about relational disposability.

The first line of the abstract, four studies examined whether residential mobility leads people to view objects as disposable and turn view social ties as disposable.

So, residential mobility, when people are moving homes more than likely to a different city or estate.

Fast Company made an article about that article.

They dumbed it down for us.

Our disposable culture means we toss relationships as quickly as we throw away objects.

Our throwaway culture isn't just making us callous about tossing away that old iPhone, the second a new one comes out, even though the old iPhone was working just fine.

It's also making us indifferent to old friendships.

New research out of the University of Kansas finds that when we relocate, we're as likely to discard social relationships as we are replaceable objects.

One way I like to think about this is a dry erase marker.

So if you remember in school, like our math teacher, he'd be writing with a dry erase marker.

And actually, let's just actually go to our dry erase board.

So he'd have like a dry erase marker and he'd be writing, and it would be cutting out.

And the teacher would say, this marker is not working.

I'm throwing it out.

And then they'd get a new marker, and the marker would work great.

It's like, awesome.

We're going to move on.

Keep going with the lecture of the lesson.

Unfortunately, we can think about relationships this way.

We can think to ourselves, all right, I'm going to move to a new place.

I'm going to move to a new university.

I'm going to go take a 15 grand pay bump, and I'm just going to easily replace my relationships.

But in doing this, we underestimate, one, how hard it is to get relationships.

Relationships are like biceps.

It takes a long time to build them.

We can't go to the store at aisle five and pick up a pair of biceps because they look nice.

We have to work for them.

Relationships are similar.

We have to exercise a lot of muscles to build a fulfilling relationship.

So we underestimate how hard it is to build those relationships, and we overestimate our ability to replace them.

So we need to be aware of this whenever we're going to a move.

We need to recognize it is going to be a bit hard, but the benefit is all of your existing friendships that you currently have, they're still in play, and they're still gonna be in the game.

And it's actually the first thing I want to talk to you about, and how we're gonna build a bulletproof plan to make new friends.

If you are, let's see here, how should I move forward?

How about I go back to my story?

In 2017, I moved, right?

I kinda told you a little bit about that, and I put this post on Facebook.

Let's make sure I'm getting this.

Good.

I put this post on Facebook.

I said, Facebook friends, I will be soon moving out of North Carolina, or I will be soon moving out to North Carolina to start my graduate studies at Wake Forest.

Currently, I'm asking for any possible connections that any of you may have to the North Carolina Wake Forest-Mitsanam area.

The goal is to be connected early so I can improve my transition, thank you, in advance.

I put up a picture of just Wake Forest, University Graduate School of Arts and Sciences.

Let's see what we got.

43 comments.

Now, of those 43 comments, I got connected to two people.

In addition to the 43 that commented, a lot of them were like, yay, awesome.

But there were a couple of them that's like, hey, I actually know someone in that area.

In addition to those 43 comments, I had people message me, saying, hey, I saw, I just wanted to let you know, like I have an aunt who lives out there, or I have an uncle who lives out there.

This is the Matthew Principle.

If you've heard of the Matthew Principle, oh, I had to pull it up here, the Matthew Effect.

Matthew Effect.

The old adage, for to him who has will more be given.

Those with existing status, privilege, wealth, et cetera, stand to benefit even more from it.

In other words, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

With friendships, this is very much the case.

Whenever you know people, you get to ask those people if they know people, and you make more friends.

And the more friends you make, the more people your friends are going to know, and it keeps going up and up.

So whenever you move to a new place, you're at the very beginning here, even though you're not going to be around those people geographically, since we live in such a digital world, we can utilize existing relationships in the digital landscape to create new relationships in the physical landscape when we're moving.

The digital landscape is much better at maintaining existing friendships rather than initiating friendships.

You can see this in the dating world, right?

A lot of people will be on dating apps.

There's so many people that they could theoretically initiate and go on a date with, but they aren't enjoying it, right?

They're like, oh, I wish I could just meet someone in person, because the digital landscape is very good at managing existing relationships organically in person.

There's just something about creating.

That's a little spiel.

It's kind of a tangent, but I just encourage you whenever you're moving, I want you to be thinking about how you can utilize your current support network, current local and digital support network to help you create an even better net whenever you're moving.

Okay.

So the four most probable places.

So we have one, two, three, four.

The first most probable place people find friends, historically, is, I imagine you're going to guess this, but it's where you work and where you go to school.

I put these in the same category, because more than likely, you're not going to be both a full-time professional at work and a full-time student.

So, one of these is going to apply to you.

Statistically, according to the American Friendship Project, what's the American Friendship Project, Chris?

The American Friendship Project, an ongoing multi-year survey, is trying to get some answers.

So, using data from two national samples of US adults in 2022 and 2023, and a sample of college students from three universities, they published these results on Thursday, which is the World Friendship Day.

It's a really large friendship survey.

It's the largest friendship survey in American history done on American friendships.

I had Dr.

Jeff Hall on the Talk to People Podcast, and we talked about how school is, on average, the largest source of friendships.

So, if you are moving to school, if you are moving from school, you're about to experience this or you're about to leave this, which is kind of hard.

After that is work.

Work, I got some research here to show you.

Here's a 2022 survey.

Survey Center of American Life.

Americans are more likely to make close friends at work than in any other area of their lives, including schools, their neighborhoods, or their places of worship.

More than half Americans report they have made a close friend to their workplace or espoused their partner's workplace.

Americans with close workplace friends are generally more satisfied with their job.

They feel more engaged and more excited about their work, and they're less likely to be looking for new career opportunities.

So work is incredibly important.

Whenever you're moving to a new place, one of the best things you can do is research the company you're going to work at.

If it's a large company, for instance, say you're going to go to a big tech firm, like I used to work for Oracle, a big corporation.

Oracle has different things inside of the company that you can get to learn about.

But just learning the departments and trying your best in the first six weeks.

I talk about this a lot.

The six weeks challenge whenever you're at work, trying your best in the first six weeks to be as socially extroverted, intrigued, and curious as possible.

If you're not an extrovert, just act like one.

That is a really interesting finding that research has shown, is you're still gonna get the benefits of social interaction, even if you're just acting like an extrovert.

So pushing yourself to act like an extrovert, because typically in the first six weeks, I remember in university, they always told me this, people who leave university, like undergrad program, of those who leave, of the four years, like over 50% of them leave within the first six weeks.

So that's a really astounding figure.

And I went and I looked it up online.

All these universities have six weeks challenges because of it.

Eastern Connecticut State University, six week challenge.

Carroll University, six weeks challenge.

Texas A&M, first six weeks challenge.

There's a reason why they focus on the first six weeks, because that's what sets the precedent.

So whenever you're at work, challenge yourself in the first six weeks, especially if you're in person.

Challenge yourself in the first six weeks to do everything you can to go above and beyond.

Show up to the events.

Walk around whenever you get a chance.

Whenever you're at lunch, try and talk to people in the break room.

Don't leave every single day for lunch.

Try and go above and beyond in your actual work so that people are a bit more impressed with you.

And be curious.

Ask questions.

Be inquisitive.

The biggest thing about making friends at work is being yourself, being intentional about being extroverted, being intentional about showing up to existing events.

And if possible, look for recurring events inside your workplace.

For instance, Toastmasters that meets every Monday, or a volunteer group that meets every once a month, the last Friday of the month.

Recurring events naturally produce friendship because you're going to show up, you're going to see people.

And maybe the first time you're nervous, maybe the second time you're nervous, but the more time you spend around people, the more likely you're going to be willing to engage with them.

And when you talk to somebody once, the next time you get to talk to them about that thing you talked to them about the first time, and it just builds.

So if you can find recurring things within your work, be extroverted, show up, walk around, put down your phone, and do your best job at your job.

That's really important.

Okay.

Number two, your hobbies and your interests.

If you've ever heard of this book called Bowling Alone, it's written by Robert Putnam.

He was a pioneering figure about this idea of community, connection, friendship, how important it is to live a life of community.

One of the things he would always say is join a running club.

Running clubs are so popular right now.

Let's look.

I have a lot of tabs up.

Okay, here's a tab about a running club.

Why more single people are turning to run clubs and ditching dating apps, CBS News.

We're not going to watch this right now.

Wall Street Journal, the hottest and sweatiest place to find a date, a run club.

Okay.

Fed up with in the swiping on dating apps, single people are lacing up their sneakers to find romance.

Run clubs are bumping.

They're everywhere.

Why are they everywhere?

Well, because you're side by side, you're exercising, you're with people.

More than likely, it's people who are interested in fitness.

You share similar values because of that, and it creates a common ground.

That common ground is fertile for new budding friendships.

Whenever you look at your hobbies and interests, think about what you enjoy doing and think about things you would enjoy doing in the future.

I think one of the best ways to go is look at existing sports league infrastructure.

For instance, where I live, we have a volleyball league, we have a soccer league.

That's very important for me.

I just get to show up as a free agent.

I join a team.

And every single week, I'm meeting with the same eight people.

The key here is don't show up just to make friends.

You need to show up to things you actually enjoy doing.

Right?

Like you don't want to go to a run club if you don't like running, because more than likely, you're not going to last.

I go to a soccer club three times a week, Monday, Wednesday, through Friday, like 5.45, 6 a.m.

I love soccer.

It's been one of the biggest social places for me.

So whenever you're moving to a new city, you need to think about your hobbies and interests, and you need to see what your town already has for that.

Take advantage of it.

If you love playing soccer, join the adult soccer league.

If you love dancing, look into dance lessons.

If you enjoy pets, look into the humane society.

That's a little bit of our next topic.

But the important thing is that you're doing things you enjoy doing, and they have recurring dates.

So your hobbies and interests is one of the biggest and best ways to find friends.

And I highly encourage you, before you move, to go in and look at where you could go.

Number three, this is volunteer.

And this is faith.

I love these together because there may not be someone who is a person of faith, but there's a lot of research about how important it is to volunteer.

So these two things, volunteer and faith, in particular church, is one of the best sources of intergenerational community.

A lot of people struggle to have intergenerational community.

The reason being is because it's much easier to talk to people in our same chapter of life.

We feel like we can't connect to those people who are different than us naturally, and we feel a bit intimidated by that.

But church puts together a value system that automatically connects you.

If you're Christian, you believe in the Bible.

If you're Muslim, you believe in the Koran.

These are precepts.

These are principles.

We don't have to cover the ground because we know it's already been covered by this, and therefore, it gives the foundation that we get to build on top of.

Intergenerational is so incredibly important to talk to someone who has three chapters of life ahead of you.

It matters, and it matters a ton.

So, looking into local churches, local temples, local mosques, whatever that is for you, I highly recommend.

I understand there's news reports about how church is fading away, and America is becoming less religious.

But, if you are a person of faith, look into churches before you move.

Ask your pastor, ask your priest, do you know of a great church in this area?

Because they care for you, they want the best for you.

If you can get serving at a church, if you can start showing up to places, again, the six week challenge, approach it with that same mindset.

How can you be the most of yourself in that first six weeks?

How can you express the most interest and be the most curious?

With volunteering, causes that are important to you, think about the animal shelter, the humane society.

If you are passionate about mental health, right?

The National Alliance for Mental Illness.

If you are passionate about being able to help the kids around you, volunteering at an elementary school to be a reader, volunteers are more than likely going to be pretty high quality people because they're generous of the biggest resource of all, and that's time.

And generous people are more likely to be better friends.

So I highly encourage you to, if you're a person of faith, definitely get involved in a church, whatever that looks like for you.

It's been so important for me.

And then second, to get involved into some volunteering.

Challenge yourself to volunteer.

Potentially volunteer for your church and outside of your church.

Potentially volunteer for a couple organizations or non-profits.

Okay, so that was number three, volunteering.

Number four.

This is slept on, unfortunately, but we need to get back to it.

It is the basis of friendship and community, the underground level, and that is your neighborhood.

Where you live.

This matters.

We only get to live one place.

I mean, sure, maybe I have a house here, I have a house here, but you have to lay down roots, and where are you going to choose to lay down roots?

Say you move into a house or an apartment or a town home, or maybe you're living in a college dorm.

Well, where you geographically live is a place for you, and it's a place of privilege, because only you are the new neighbor.

Only you are the new person on the block.

In the first six weeks is the best time to utilize this.

Maybe you've experienced this.

You moved in to a new place, and you didn't talk to a person at first, and then a couple of weeks went by, and you thought about talking to them, but you didn't talk to them.

Well, the more time goes by, the more difficult it is to talk to them, because the more of a precedent we set and establish that whenever we see one another, we don't talk, and naturally, our bodies get used to that, and we are creatures of habit.

So in order to break that, it becomes more and more uncomfortable, and ultimately, it's like a momentous push of a mountain.

But if you can talk, if you can initiate a conversation, if you can say hi, maybe they're totally not into it, and you can't do anything about that, you can't control it, but we can control whether or not you initiated it and whether or not you made yourself known.

It's the biggest thing is just initiating.

We can't control the response.

So whenever you move, wherever you're moving to, think about your neighborhood as a hotbed of opportunity.

Think about it as a place to where you come home after work, and it can be a whole area of friends.

You could go and have dinner with your friends.

You could have your neighbors over and grill out.

There's so much potential there.

I think younger people don't do this, and older people are quitting it.

And it's just reaching out and being a neighborly, being a good neighbor.

Like a good neighbor, stay farm is there.

Like a good neighbor, you can be there.

And in the first six weeks, I'd encourage you whenever you're moving in, go on a walk around your neighborhood.

Be friendly, smile, say hi.

Strike up conversation, right?

If you have a pet, it's even better for you because people love dogs.

People will come and talk to your dog, go to the local dog park, say, hey, I'm new to the area.

What do you like most about the neighborhood?

Or, hey, I'm new to the area.

I live over there.

My name is Chris.

I just wanted to say hi.

It's very understandable.

It's a great conversation starter.

No one's going to be like, you're new to the neighborhood.

You can't talk to me, right?

They're just going to be like, oh, hey, nice to meet you.

Either they strike up a conversation or they don't.

There's a lot of simple things that we can do that makes it easier for our neighbors to interact with us.

And ultimately, the biggest goal, the long angle, is to be able to create some type of community in your neighborhood, be able to create some type of events.

So do your best to talk to your neighbors.

Don't be scared of your neighbors.

Initiate conversation, and maybe one day you can do a neighborhood event, a neighborhood dinner, have the neighbors over for a grilling out, for s'mores, you name it.

Okay, number five, you meet people through other people.

If you did all four of these things, if one, you went to your work and your school, and in the first six weeks, you were inquisitive, you were curious, you took walks, you showed up to things, if two, you looked into your hobbies and interests, you found the things you were interested in, you registered for the league, even though you didn't know anybody, you showed up to the first game, you tried your best.

Three, if you're a person of faith, you went to church, you researched churches, maybe you even went to two the first Sunday.

If you don't like church, or maybe you do like church, but you also love to volunteer, you found a good nonprofit to volunteer at, the Humane Society, NAMI, being able to volunteer at the food shelter or your elementary school.

Four, if you talked to your neighbors, if you went to your HOA meeting, if you went to your floor meeting, if you went to the cookout that just so happened to be the same time when you moved in, if you expressed interest in them, if you told them where you came from and what you're doing in the town, then you have a lot of people.

This right here is one word, social resources.

That's friends, and the more high-quality people you meet, the more high-quality people they know, and ultimately it's gonna get to a point to where it's a flywheel.

You're going to know people, they're going to know people, you're going to meet people, you're going to go to events, and it's the best way to meet high-quality friends, because one, you're vetting these people, and you're meeting people they've already vetted.

And it's a great resource, it's our goal, and that's when we know we're no longer worried about this new place.

Rather, we can call it home, because we have a local social support net.

If you've noticed, I didn't talk about apps whenever you move.

I didn't talk about digital resources.

I didn't talk about digital communities.

I think those are very important, but I think the biggest thing is to find a local and build that support net.

And then from there, you can be active in digital communities.

But that's my heart for you.

If you like learning like this, if you're interested in this, be sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel.

This whole entire YouTube channel is about how to have a better social life, how to connect with those around you, and how to be better at talking to people.

All right, folks, if you like making friends in your new city, then you'd also like creating third places, which is spaces that allows other people to make friends and build a community, and I have a video all about that.

Thanks for being here, and I hope you like that video.